Last Thursday we met at McAlister and we just really enjoyed a true time with each other and God. It wasn’t fancy or uppity. It was just people, for real people, meeting together and recognizing the depth and amazingness of each other and searching into the amazingness of God. It was really cool, but also fun and relaxed and challenging…all of these things.
We started our time talking about our favorite scent. We laughed and enjoyed the variety of answers from fresh cut grass (not the crappy candle version) to roses (the peach kind are the best) to the smell of [clean] babies. It was a view into who we really are…not who we portray ourselves to be most of our lives.
As always, we prayed and invited God to join us and then we began our time of worship. Worship is simply a fancy way of saying that we notice God and celebrate how cool He is. In keeping with our “smell based” time, this week’s worship was all about smells. We closed our eyes and we tried to focus on God as we smelled things like play doh and cinnamon, chocolate and coffee, perfume and baby powder. We focused our minds on a God who is big enough to make a world that contains mountains and oceans, seasons and skyscrapers, but also loves individual people…like you and me. We savored the idea that there is a wonderful & loving, but still huge & awesome God who can make all these scents and the amazing sense of smell to take them all in. Plus, on top of all that, making the mind and soul in you and me that responds to smells with such gut wrenching passion (like the smell of your child or lover). It was really good.
After our time of worship, we always have a time of sharing things that are bothering us…hurts and issues and needs and concerns. We believe that, in sharing them, we break the power of them and in praying for them, we invite our giant God into them to help us through them. It is always good to share and pray.
Next, we had some learning and teaching. We read in Ecclesiastes chapter 1:
Ecc 1 “Smoke, nothing but smoke…There’s nothing to anything- it’s all smoke. What’s there to show for a lifetime of work, a lifetime of working your fingers to the bone? “What I’ve concluded is that so-called wisdom and knowledge are mindless and witless-nothing but spitting into the wind.” “I said to myself, “Let’s go for it-experiment with pleasure, have a good time!” But there was nothing to it, nothing but smoke.” “Oh, I did great things: built houses, planted vineyards, designed gardens and parks…then I acquired large herds and flocks, larger than any before me…I piled up silver and gold loot from kings and kingdoms, I gathered a chorus of singers to entertain me with song, and-most exquisite of all pleasures-voluptuous maidens for my bed. Oh, how I prospered…everything I wanted I took-I never said no to myself. I gave in to every impulse, held back nothing. I sucked the marrow of pleasure out of every task-my reward to myself…Then I took a look at everything I’d done, looked at all the sweat and hard work. But when I looked, I saw nothing but smoke. Smoke and spitting into the wind. There was nothing to any of it. Nothing.”
We have been talking about all the “more” that we in America spend almost all of our time chasing after; things like money and achievement and fame and fitness and beauty and religiosity and pleasure. We have been talking about them and what they do to us. A few weeks ago we talked about the pursuit of money and how it leads to nothing…smoke. Thursday we moved on to talk about the pursuit of pleasure.
We see people all the time whose pursuit of pleasure ends up in smoke and destruction. We see the 11, 12, 13 year old girls who look into our eyes with an emptiness never there before…their innocence is gone in a fleeting attempt for pleasure in the arms of a boy, and we grieve for what their pursuit of pleasure has led them to…smoke. We cry with the anguish of the abandoned family whose mother or father has left for another lover, or for another hunting trip, or whatever pleasurable thing called to them…mom or dad lost the “pleasure” in the way things were and felt they had to move on “to be happy.” We hurt in our own, well meaning, lives as we look at the times that our families get less than all of our attention and love because we are focused on whatever pleasure is coming next in our lives. We feel the sense of imbalance in our world: something is messed up here. We grope for and run after pleasure with such passion. We are told constantly (either directly or drawn that way by the images portrayed) in ads on TV, internet, and otherwise that we can find pleasure and happiness in this or that or the other. We get unsolicited emails, leading us to web sites with pornography of every kind that promise that “here is fun, here is peace, here is escape.” Yet, deep in our souls, we know this is not true. This is not reality. There must be something more.
We also know that happiness and pleasure are not bad by themselves. We sense them in the purity of the smell of a baby and coffee and cinnamon. We remember them in the honesty and truth of wedding days and hands held in true love and devotion. We savor them in the wonder of deep laughter, not at someone’s expense, but in just the bubbling up of life from somewhere deep inside us. Somehow, we know that we were made to have pleasure and happiness, yet always there, just behind, is the messed up world we live in and the twistedness it has made of this truth.
We begin to ask ourselves, “What is the answer?” Just as money is necessary to live and can be so good and yet can destroy so completely, so with pleasure. The truth is that the “more” of pleasure, just like money, leads to “smoke,” and the only way to find the good, wonderful, heartfelt and true pleasure that we all seek and love about life is to not search for the “more” of the pleasure, but to search for the “More” that gives balance to the pleasure and puts it in the right perspective in our lives…just like He does with money. God is the “More” that provides the balance to all the good things that if overdone, lead to “smoke.” He wants us to have pleasure and joy and happiness and will give these things to us, at all the right times, if we will live our lives running after Him, instead of some other “more.”
It reminds me of dealing with my son, Nathan. Nathan loves to think about the next thing that’s going to happen, always looking forward (and I’m glad for that). The problem is that sometimes Nathan forgets that he has a daddy who loves him very much and wants him to have tons of fun in life. He sometimes manipulates, sneaks, and often doubts…asking things like, “What will we do?” “Will we have fun?” “When will it happen?” “Are we going to do something fun?” “Are we going to be done working?” Sometimes getting himself so convinced that it will never happen that he gets downright distraught and even angry. At times like this I call out to his soul…to his memory of who I have been in his life. “Nate, does your daddy love you?” “Yes” “Does he always shoot for what’s best for you?” “Yes” “Does he always have fun things planned and coming up for you?” “Yes” “Does he sometimes even make the ‘work’ fun?” “Yes,” and a smile begins to cross his face as memories of his life begin to flow. “Does your daddy abandon you and leave you with no fun, no playtime? Does he wish the worst for you and look for ways to make your life boring and yucky?” “No,” and the smile widens into a grin. “Then Nate, trust me. Trust that your daddy will give you tons of fun; Lots of play; Lots of games and laughter and joy. Trust. Don’t try to always make it happen on your own.”
Sometimes when I think about these talks I am plunged into a deep reflection on my own relationship with the “More” I have been talking about above. The God who made me. At these times I realize that I, and humanity in general, so often are like Nate. We look for our happiness and pleasure and fun…we clamor for it…we go after it with so much of ourselves that we destroy others and ourselves in the process. All the time, God, the true “More”, is there all the time, knowing exactly what will give us pleasure, what will make us happy. He is simply waiting for us to call out to Him…make Him the focus of our lives and…Trust.
This may seem simplistic and even silly if you have not had a relationship with this God I am speaking of, but it is not. He really does love you. He really does want you to have pleasure and fun and all the other “mores” that you run after in your life. To begin finding Him all you need to do is begin talking to Him. We call it praying, but it need not be fancy. It is simply talking to Him as if He were right there with you. Tell Him what’s bothering you. Ask Him to be in Your life…to help you begin to sort out all the confusion you find in the world…your world. He will help. Then, please email or comment on the blog. We want to help too.
We finished our time with communion...a celebration of a God who does these kind of wonderful things and we chatted and went back to our own slices of America…hopefully to live them a little differently.
We hope that you will join us next time, September 4th, 6:45-8:00PM. All people are welcome, no matter where you are in this life.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Last time & Next Thursday
Hello Again!
We had a great time last Thursday, and we have been out of town and working seemingly non-stop since, so this is an update of our time together and a "heads up" for this coming Thursday at McAllister Center, 6:45-8:00PM, 20th and Schuyler Ave, Lafayette, IN (here is the Google maps link - http://maps.google.com/maps?f=q&hl=en&geocode=&q=20th+st+and+Schuyler+Ave,+Lafayette,+IN&sll=37.0625,-95.677068&sspn=36.915634,78.75&ie=UTF8&ll=40.442522,-86.874475&spn=0.008672,0.019226&z=16&iwloc=addr). As usual there will be awesome free childcare.
Last time we enjoyed getting to know each other over the question, "What one thing do you hate most about your day?" We had a variety of answers including: Shaving and Getting up, among others. It was good to just laugh and relax for a little bit.
Then, as usual, we spent some time worshipping. This is a word we use to describe noticing and celebrating God in our lives and the world around us. It is almost never exactly the same at More than More and this time was no exception. This time we worshipped visually. We looked at variety of pictures and were asked to praise God for how big and wonderful He is using the images as prompts. These pictures ranged from children playing to Ikea stores to wild animals and mountains. It was good to realize again how awesome and giant beyond our usual thinking our God is. It is encouraging to think about the fact that God made all those things and that He wants to still be involved in our lives. We have been learning over the months about noticing God in our every day lives and celebrating the noticing, allowing us to worship anywhere, anytime, and freeing us from "Sunday only" Christianity.
After our worship, we shared some of our concerns and things troubling us...those who felt comfortable with it. It is good to have others care for us and we believe that by praying for each other, we invite God into the problems with us and that helps a ton, no matter how bad the circumstances...and some of us are facing seriously tough circumstances.
We then had some teaching. For this portion, I left our series on More than More and what it means for a week and talked about our recent mission trip to Mexico. I wrote a little essay that tells the story and have included it:
Matamoros, Mexico is one of those “border towns” you read about. Packed with crime and drugs, it is not the typical Mexican tourist destination. On the edge of town lives a little girl named Ashley. Ashley is a 20 month old, who lives in one of the most destitute areas of Matamoros. The roads into her area of town, if they can be called that, are dirt and terribly rutted. Driving in in the morning felt something like one of those virtual reality theater rides where you bounce and jolt every second in some completely unexpected way, jiggling up the last four meals that you have eaten. The houses in the “neighborhood” are mostly 1 or 2 room concrete block or frame structures, very tiny, with clothes lines crisscrossing all over the place in the “yards” and a variety of car parts, mongrel dogs, skinny haphazardly running chickens and old rusty lawn furniture scattered about. The whole area is situated outside of town in a large field. When we arrived, we walked around door to door telling everyone that there were gratis consultos medicos from the United States here if they had any needs. We touched hands, smiled and shared a moment, accepted the at first skeptical, then usually cautiously friendly looks and then went on our way. This day, Ashley came with her momma to my “office” which consisted of 3 or 4 chairs depending on the moment and a piece of plastic draped over ropes to block the sun, depending on where the sun was at that moment, all in an open area behind a soup kitchen. Her mom was young, but not extraordinarily so. She certainly seemed to love Ashley very much. At points during our time together, she clung to the baby dearly, as if someone was going to snatch her away at any moment. Baby Ashley was dirty, with oily hair matted to her head in places but her cautious smile was so sweet, no bath or hairbrush could have improved on her innocent beauty. The problem was that this wonderful little one had not gained any weight in the past 6 months, in spite of eating what sounded like everything in site. Her mom described, through my translator Jessica, a relatively healthy diet, in spite of their obviously desperate financial circumstances. Her mom, concerned, had taken her to local doctors, who knows at what sacrifice, and had been told the baby had asthma and given her some kind of syrup which, since there they sat in front of me, did not work.
We started our time together, Ashley and I, the way I nearly always start pediatric visits: playing. I raised my voice pitch instinctively, and got down on her level (as I undressed from my scrubs at the end of this day, the backside was the color of the brown Mexican soil, from sitting and playing in the dirt like a kid). I showed her my flashlight, smiled and interacted and began gently touching her feet, legs, then head, and face, all the while observing what appeared to be a healthy mom and child interaction and an overall pretty normal appearing toddler. She responded the way that most children of this age who don’t know me do: she was carefully judging me and smiling while clutching her mother closely to ensure that she was safe. Instinctively I knew at this point that, in spite of her circumstances, this was a loved, nurtured and cared for little girl. She was clearly well bonded to her mom. My initial feeling was that she probably just had poorly controlled asthma, which because of their financial situation had not been completely treated. But was I ever in for a shock. I continued my toddler pediatric games, slowly checking ears and head and nose and mouth. She began to cry, varying between little spurts of fussing and major squalls, no doubt fearing this strange, pale man who was rapidly invading her space. Then to her lungs, which sounded fine and then, when my exam got to the front of her chest, I paused. That sound. It was loud and harsh. I had heard it before...a heart murmur, probably a VSD, a hole in Ashley’s heart – this likely making it impossible for the baby to grow and gain weight. I listened long and hard as I have so many other times when I find something that I really don’t want to find and hope that it will just not be there in the next second if I listen long enough. I listened and began looking at her and her mom as I heard the problem in her chest, and they looked the same as they had just a moment before, but in a moment their world would change, because of a sound in her chest, that I could hear and they could not. At times like this I am reminded of the words of a friend and patient of mine, after he was diagnosed with Acute Leukemia, “You know doc, one day I was just livin’ life; Going to work, plenty of energy, no major problems. Then one day I started feeling tired, nothing major. Then I come to you, we talk, I get some blood tests, then some more. And before I know it my life as I knew it is gone; Chemo and tubes and needles and most likely a rapid death…just like that.” This was certainly one of those life changing moments for Ashley and her mom, although her problem should be treatable, in these circumstances, who knows?. I continued to listen to Ashley’s heart and instinctively began praying, “How am I going to tell this to her mom? Help Lord. Bring peace and comfort to her mother. Help them through this.” My heart began to ache for this woman who loved her baby so much, but whose world was about to be changed forever by a gringo medico’s words. I finished my exam, finding nothing else of significance, and continuing to reach out to God for the right words and paths to take to help this mother and baby. I began to feel my own insufficiency, as I do so often at times like this, knowing that I would be gone home in a few days and would not be able to help them through their journey. Through Jessica, I began to explain to Ashley’s mom that the baby had a problem with her heart and at first her mother looked at me in disbelief. She had taken the baby to the doctor before and they had never said anything about her heart, her Corazon, before. As she began to received the impact of the words, like a punch, her face began to melt; At first with gentle tears and then holding Ashley closer and closer, weeping with the words. Her passion and pain was so deep that Jessica, who has a little boy nearly the same age as Ashley, began weeping too. She was unable to even talk through her tears and though she stayed and comforted, we found another translator, a pre-PA student named JoMyra. We continued explaining that this was probably the reason why the baby was not growing well and we began to explain to her momma that Ashley would need to have tests done and that the best would be to have a doctor there in town to work with them. She did not have means to do all this and through the tears, it was easy to see her grappling with the questions circling around how , in this harsh world, she was going to be able to do all this. In fact, when I first asked if she would be able to get the baby to a local doctor, she looked at me in disbelief, as if to say, “Look around you, do you think I can do that? And even more, those are the doctors who told me it was simply asthma.” She even said, over and over again, “I took her to the doctor before. Why didn’t they tell me? Why didn’t they tell me?” through the broken heart and tears. But she slowly gathered her wits to a degree and determined that she would just have to find a way. I could almost see her make the resolution in her mind, “I’m not sure how, but I will have to find a way.” What would she have to do to get her baby to the doctor from this pain-wracked neighborhood?
At the end, calling out to a loving God, who has answers when we don’t, Ashley’s mom and Jessica wept and we prayed and that particular field became Holy ground – at one point I even wondered if this was what it was like to be Moses, standing before the burning bush, but the only thing burning here was the sun and our hearts, and there was no way I was taking my shoes off. The moment seemed to freeze in time. This mom had no job. She barely had a roof over her head. She was the picture of despair. She had no vehicle, she had no money, she had virtually nothing the world would place a value on. Realizing I had done all I was able to, I consulted with a Mexican doctor/pastor from another city who was working with us for the week, Dr. Gilberto. He took a listen to Ashley’s heart and then sat down across from her mom in the seat I had previously occupied. He began gesturing and talking in Spanish faster than I had any hope of keeping up with. By now, Jessica’s husband Wilmer had come over to help with the translation too. Dr Gilberto continued on, earnestly talking to Ashley’s mom about I knew not what…asking her questions and as she wept, she nodded, over and over again and said, “Si,” over and over again. Then, they seemed to come to a climactic point. He asked her a final question, she nodded, and he excitedly jumped from his seat, clasped his hands together, patted me on the shoulder in a half embrace and motioned to Wilmer, who began praying with Ashley’s mom, and her repeating after him. He went much more slowly, and I began to understand. She was giving her life to Christ. She was placing her life and Ashley’s in the hands of the One who made them both. She was trusting in the healer of all time, of all situations, of all heartaches. It was amazing. Now the tears began to flow in my eyes, as I saw the God of the universe descend on a field and bring peace in chaos. Wilmer finished his, and Ashley’s mom’s, prayer with many thanks to God and celebratory words and we all danced in our hearts!
So, what did Dr. Gilberto say? I had to know. I told Jessica, “I want the transcript of that conversation!” The paraphrase? He told her mom “In one month we’ll have the baby all back to normal”, but it was her, her mother, that he was really concerned about. What could we do to help her? What was she going to do with Jesus? He was bringing into focus for her, in fact, placing it directly in front of her, the decision point of Christianity. He was bringing Jesus to her and from that moment on she would never be the same. Sheldon VanAuken writes about it in “A Severe Mercy.” He considers that we are all walking along a path. At the point on your journey that you encounter Christ, there is a space in front of you that you must leap to accept and believe. No matter how much “evidence” there is to support the fact that He is real, at some point you come to a place where you must just decide that He is and cross over the leap. The space can seem small or large – the leap consuming your thoughts or seeming like the most natural thing in the world, but there is always a point of decision – of believing. But once you encounter Him, and face the reality of His existence, and this decision point, you can never go back to believing that Jesus and Christianity is some fake, joke of a “religion.” He becomes the decision point and the path you treaded prior to that point in your life before falls away and becomes a space you must leap to not believe in Him. You must choose then, to believe in Christ or to not – there is no middle ground, as the very footing in the “middle” crumbles with each passing second. There is no escaping. A decision must be made for Jesus as God and the Savior of the World, the resurrected one or against Him. Dr Gilberto offered her a rescuer. He offered her an answer. He offered her peace. He didn’t offer her a resolution of her circumstances. He didn’t offer her all ease and comfort. He did offer her a new family of brothers and sisters in Christ. She needed to make a decision about having Jesus in her life. She needed to make the leap of faith and never look back. She agreed – wanting to become a Christian and our friend Wilmer led her in a simple, then celebratory sinner’s prayer and she was made a new creation! She packed up and came back to the church in central Matamoros with us and via a connection with the pastor, will be getting the care she needs.
This is a wonderful experience in my life. Both Ashley and her mom were given the gift of new life this day! They both had serious heart issues…both are on the path to complete healing. Ashley’s mom, who seemed so much more peaceful after her prayer, will continue down the rode to more and more of God in her life. Ashley will get to the right doctors, likely get the financial assistance of the state, and will be fine, plus this night, she will go to sleep with a Christian momma….
It is very easy for me to talk about and believe in the dramatic life changing power of God in the lives of individuals, but I sometimes really struggle with getting it past that. After all the pain and degradation I see in the world, it is hard sometimes to believe that God is also the power, life changing force of all that ever existed. As we sat as a group the night after meeting Ashley and thought/talked about our day and then prayed for little Ashley, I nearly heard an audible voice, certainly a deep speaking in my soul asking me, “Do you have the audacity to believe that I can change the world?” It was clearly Christ. This is the fundamental problem with how far reaching my faith has been to this point – a lack of belief in a God big enough to solve Ashley’s heart and her mom’s and the other 100 patients we saw today and the thousands I see at home and the problems in my church and town and state and country and on and on and on. It’s not that I don’t know it in my head. It’s that I don’t own it in my heart. I haven’t the audacity to believe it and then to attack it with all my energy. Talking with the leader of the group about it afterwards he said to me, “There was a time when I was so overwhelmed with the pain and problems around me that I simply prayed each day, “Lord, show me at least one person who needs to hear from You today, help me to notice them and give me the message for them.” He said that simply – the changes in the world happen one person at a time.
This is exactly what More than More is. Having such an amazing audacity to believe the best of God in every situation. The lack of it, or a full acceptance/understanding of it is what lies behind the silent tears/rage/hurt/seriousness that I carry with me sometimes. Do I dare now to live victorious – even in the midst of the odds? Do I have the audacity to believe in a God big enough to change my world? Dare I take Him at His word? As I look into the much more peaceful eyes of Ashley’s mom I find the answer.
On top of all this, if you are in Ashley's mom's situation. If you have thought about this God thing and danced around it. If you have come to the decision point, the point of "leaping" and choosing to believe, now is the time to choose. Just tell God that you choose to believe in Him. Ask him to be the ruler of your life. You can never go back now without leaping away from God over a gap to not believe...you know too much. He is too real. There will never be anyone who you can trust with the control of your life as good as Him. He is the More than More. If you do choose Him, let us know. We want to help you in your journey, just like the church in Matamoros will help Ashley's mom!
We then finished out time together with communion and enjoyed some time together talking.
We had a great time last Thursday, and we have been out of town and working seemingly non-stop since, so this is an update of our time together and a "heads up" for this coming Thursday at McAllister Center, 6:45-8:00PM, 20th and Schuyler Ave, Lafayette, IN (here is the Google maps link - http://maps.google.com/maps?f=q&hl=en&geocode=&q=20th+st+and+Schuyler+Ave,+Lafayette,+IN&sll=37.0625,-95.677068&sspn=36.915634,78.75&ie=UTF8&ll=40.442522,-86.874475&spn=0.008672,0.019226&z=16&iwloc=addr). As usual there will be awesome free childcare.
Last time we enjoyed getting to know each other over the question, "What one thing do you hate most about your day?" We had a variety of answers including: Shaving and Getting up, among others. It was good to just laugh and relax for a little bit.
Then, as usual, we spent some time worshipping. This is a word we use to describe noticing and celebrating God in our lives and the world around us. It is almost never exactly the same at More than More and this time was no exception. This time we worshipped visually. We looked at variety of pictures and were asked to praise God for how big and wonderful He is using the images as prompts. These pictures ranged from children playing to Ikea stores to wild animals and mountains. It was good to realize again how awesome and giant beyond our usual thinking our God is. It is encouraging to think about the fact that God made all those things and that He wants to still be involved in our lives. We have been learning over the months about noticing God in our every day lives and celebrating the noticing, allowing us to worship anywhere, anytime, and freeing us from "Sunday only" Christianity.
After our worship, we shared some of our concerns and things troubling us...those who felt comfortable with it. It is good to have others care for us and we believe that by praying for each other, we invite God into the problems with us and that helps a ton, no matter how bad the circumstances...and some of us are facing seriously tough circumstances.
We then had some teaching. For this portion, I left our series on More than More and what it means for a week and talked about our recent mission trip to Mexico. I wrote a little essay that tells the story and have included it:
Matamoros, Mexico is one of those “border towns” you read about. Packed with crime and drugs, it is not the typical Mexican tourist destination. On the edge of town lives a little girl named Ashley. Ashley is a 20 month old, who lives in one of the most destitute areas of Matamoros. The roads into her area of town, if they can be called that, are dirt and terribly rutted. Driving in in the morning felt something like one of those virtual reality theater rides where you bounce and jolt every second in some completely unexpected way, jiggling up the last four meals that you have eaten. The houses in the “neighborhood” are mostly 1 or 2 room concrete block or frame structures, very tiny, with clothes lines crisscrossing all over the place in the “yards” and a variety of car parts, mongrel dogs, skinny haphazardly running chickens and old rusty lawn furniture scattered about. The whole area is situated outside of town in a large field. When we arrived, we walked around door to door telling everyone that there were gratis consultos medicos from the United States here if they had any needs. We touched hands, smiled and shared a moment, accepted the at first skeptical, then usually cautiously friendly looks and then went on our way. This day, Ashley came with her momma to my “office” which consisted of 3 or 4 chairs depending on the moment and a piece of plastic draped over ropes to block the sun, depending on where the sun was at that moment, all in an open area behind a soup kitchen. Her mom was young, but not extraordinarily so. She certainly seemed to love Ashley very much. At points during our time together, she clung to the baby dearly, as if someone was going to snatch her away at any moment. Baby Ashley was dirty, with oily hair matted to her head in places but her cautious smile was so sweet, no bath or hairbrush could have improved on her innocent beauty. The problem was that this wonderful little one had not gained any weight in the past 6 months, in spite of eating what sounded like everything in site. Her mom described, through my translator Jessica, a relatively healthy diet, in spite of their obviously desperate financial circumstances. Her mom, concerned, had taken her to local doctors, who knows at what sacrifice, and had been told the baby had asthma and given her some kind of syrup which, since there they sat in front of me, did not work.
We started our time together, Ashley and I, the way I nearly always start pediatric visits: playing. I raised my voice pitch instinctively, and got down on her level (as I undressed from my scrubs at the end of this day, the backside was the color of the brown Mexican soil, from sitting and playing in the dirt like a kid). I showed her my flashlight, smiled and interacted and began gently touching her feet, legs, then head, and face, all the while observing what appeared to be a healthy mom and child interaction and an overall pretty normal appearing toddler. She responded the way that most children of this age who don’t know me do: she was carefully judging me and smiling while clutching her mother closely to ensure that she was safe. Instinctively I knew at this point that, in spite of her circumstances, this was a loved, nurtured and cared for little girl. She was clearly well bonded to her mom. My initial feeling was that she probably just had poorly controlled asthma, which because of their financial situation had not been completely treated. But was I ever in for a shock. I continued my toddler pediatric games, slowly checking ears and head and nose and mouth. She began to cry, varying between little spurts of fussing and major squalls, no doubt fearing this strange, pale man who was rapidly invading her space. Then to her lungs, which sounded fine and then, when my exam got to the front of her chest, I paused. That sound. It was loud and harsh. I had heard it before...a heart murmur, probably a VSD, a hole in Ashley’s heart – this likely making it impossible for the baby to grow and gain weight. I listened long and hard as I have so many other times when I find something that I really don’t want to find and hope that it will just not be there in the next second if I listen long enough. I listened and began looking at her and her mom as I heard the problem in her chest, and they looked the same as they had just a moment before, but in a moment their world would change, because of a sound in her chest, that I could hear and they could not. At times like this I am reminded of the words of a friend and patient of mine, after he was diagnosed with Acute Leukemia, “You know doc, one day I was just livin’ life; Going to work, plenty of energy, no major problems. Then one day I started feeling tired, nothing major. Then I come to you, we talk, I get some blood tests, then some more. And before I know it my life as I knew it is gone; Chemo and tubes and needles and most likely a rapid death…just like that.” This was certainly one of those life changing moments for Ashley and her mom, although her problem should be treatable, in these circumstances, who knows?. I continued to listen to Ashley’s heart and instinctively began praying, “How am I going to tell this to her mom? Help Lord. Bring peace and comfort to her mother. Help them through this.” My heart began to ache for this woman who loved her baby so much, but whose world was about to be changed forever by a gringo medico’s words. I finished my exam, finding nothing else of significance, and continuing to reach out to God for the right words and paths to take to help this mother and baby. I began to feel my own insufficiency, as I do so often at times like this, knowing that I would be gone home in a few days and would not be able to help them through their journey. Through Jessica, I began to explain to Ashley’s mom that the baby had a problem with her heart and at first her mother looked at me in disbelief. She had taken the baby to the doctor before and they had never said anything about her heart, her Corazon, before. As she began to received the impact of the words, like a punch, her face began to melt; At first with gentle tears and then holding Ashley closer and closer, weeping with the words. Her passion and pain was so deep that Jessica, who has a little boy nearly the same age as Ashley, began weeping too. She was unable to even talk through her tears and though she stayed and comforted, we found another translator, a pre-PA student named JoMyra. We continued explaining that this was probably the reason why the baby was not growing well and we began to explain to her momma that Ashley would need to have tests done and that the best would be to have a doctor there in town to work with them. She did not have means to do all this and through the tears, it was easy to see her grappling with the questions circling around how , in this harsh world, she was going to be able to do all this. In fact, when I first asked if she would be able to get the baby to a local doctor, she looked at me in disbelief, as if to say, “Look around you, do you think I can do that? And even more, those are the doctors who told me it was simply asthma.” She even said, over and over again, “I took her to the doctor before. Why didn’t they tell me? Why didn’t they tell me?” through the broken heart and tears. But she slowly gathered her wits to a degree and determined that she would just have to find a way. I could almost see her make the resolution in her mind, “I’m not sure how, but I will have to find a way.” What would she have to do to get her baby to the doctor from this pain-wracked neighborhood?
At the end, calling out to a loving God, who has answers when we don’t, Ashley’s mom and Jessica wept and we prayed and that particular field became Holy ground – at one point I even wondered if this was what it was like to be Moses, standing before the burning bush, but the only thing burning here was the sun and our hearts, and there was no way I was taking my shoes off. The moment seemed to freeze in time. This mom had no job. She barely had a roof over her head. She was the picture of despair. She had no vehicle, she had no money, she had virtually nothing the world would place a value on. Realizing I had done all I was able to, I consulted with a Mexican doctor/pastor from another city who was working with us for the week, Dr. Gilberto. He took a listen to Ashley’s heart and then sat down across from her mom in the seat I had previously occupied. He began gesturing and talking in Spanish faster than I had any hope of keeping up with. By now, Jessica’s husband Wilmer had come over to help with the translation too. Dr Gilberto continued on, earnestly talking to Ashley’s mom about I knew not what…asking her questions and as she wept, she nodded, over and over again and said, “Si,” over and over again. Then, they seemed to come to a climactic point. He asked her a final question, she nodded, and he excitedly jumped from his seat, clasped his hands together, patted me on the shoulder in a half embrace and motioned to Wilmer, who began praying with Ashley’s mom, and her repeating after him. He went much more slowly, and I began to understand. She was giving her life to Christ. She was placing her life and Ashley’s in the hands of the One who made them both. She was trusting in the healer of all time, of all situations, of all heartaches. It was amazing. Now the tears began to flow in my eyes, as I saw the God of the universe descend on a field and bring peace in chaos. Wilmer finished his, and Ashley’s mom’s, prayer with many thanks to God and celebratory words and we all danced in our hearts!
So, what did Dr. Gilberto say? I had to know. I told Jessica, “I want the transcript of that conversation!” The paraphrase? He told her mom “In one month we’ll have the baby all back to normal”, but it was her, her mother, that he was really concerned about. What could we do to help her? What was she going to do with Jesus? He was bringing into focus for her, in fact, placing it directly in front of her, the decision point of Christianity. He was bringing Jesus to her and from that moment on she would never be the same. Sheldon VanAuken writes about it in “A Severe Mercy.” He considers that we are all walking along a path. At the point on your journey that you encounter Christ, there is a space in front of you that you must leap to accept and believe. No matter how much “evidence” there is to support the fact that He is real, at some point you come to a place where you must just decide that He is and cross over the leap. The space can seem small or large – the leap consuming your thoughts or seeming like the most natural thing in the world, but there is always a point of decision – of believing. But once you encounter Him, and face the reality of His existence, and this decision point, you can never go back to believing that Jesus and Christianity is some fake, joke of a “religion.” He becomes the decision point and the path you treaded prior to that point in your life before falls away and becomes a space you must leap to not believe in Him. You must choose then, to believe in Christ or to not – there is no middle ground, as the very footing in the “middle” crumbles with each passing second. There is no escaping. A decision must be made for Jesus as God and the Savior of the World, the resurrected one or against Him. Dr Gilberto offered her a rescuer. He offered her an answer. He offered her peace. He didn’t offer her a resolution of her circumstances. He didn’t offer her all ease and comfort. He did offer her a new family of brothers and sisters in Christ. She needed to make a decision about having Jesus in her life. She needed to make the leap of faith and never look back. She agreed – wanting to become a Christian and our friend Wilmer led her in a simple, then celebratory sinner’s prayer and she was made a new creation! She packed up and came back to the church in central Matamoros with us and via a connection with the pastor, will be getting the care she needs.
This is a wonderful experience in my life. Both Ashley and her mom were given the gift of new life this day! They both had serious heart issues…both are on the path to complete healing. Ashley’s mom, who seemed so much more peaceful after her prayer, will continue down the rode to more and more of God in her life. Ashley will get to the right doctors, likely get the financial assistance of the state, and will be fine, plus this night, she will go to sleep with a Christian momma….
It is very easy for me to talk about and believe in the dramatic life changing power of God in the lives of individuals, but I sometimes really struggle with getting it past that. After all the pain and degradation I see in the world, it is hard sometimes to believe that God is also the power, life changing force of all that ever existed. As we sat as a group the night after meeting Ashley and thought/talked about our day and then prayed for little Ashley, I nearly heard an audible voice, certainly a deep speaking in my soul asking me, “Do you have the audacity to believe that I can change the world?” It was clearly Christ. This is the fundamental problem with how far reaching my faith has been to this point – a lack of belief in a God big enough to solve Ashley’s heart and her mom’s and the other 100 patients we saw today and the thousands I see at home and the problems in my church and town and state and country and on and on and on. It’s not that I don’t know it in my head. It’s that I don’t own it in my heart. I haven’t the audacity to believe it and then to attack it with all my energy. Talking with the leader of the group about it afterwards he said to me, “There was a time when I was so overwhelmed with the pain and problems around me that I simply prayed each day, “Lord, show me at least one person who needs to hear from You today, help me to notice them and give me the message for them.” He said that simply – the changes in the world happen one person at a time.
This is exactly what More than More is. Having such an amazing audacity to believe the best of God in every situation. The lack of it, or a full acceptance/understanding of it is what lies behind the silent tears/rage/hurt/seriousness that I carry with me sometimes. Do I dare now to live victorious – even in the midst of the odds? Do I have the audacity to believe in a God big enough to change my world? Dare I take Him at His word? As I look into the much more peaceful eyes of Ashley’s mom I find the answer.
On top of all this, if you are in Ashley's mom's situation. If you have thought about this God thing and danced around it. If you have come to the decision point, the point of "leaping" and choosing to believe, now is the time to choose. Just tell God that you choose to believe in Him. Ask him to be the ruler of your life. You can never go back now without leaping away from God over a gap to not believe...you know too much. He is too real. There will never be anyone who you can trust with the control of your life as good as Him. He is the More than More. If you do choose Him, let us know. We want to help you in your journey, just like the church in Matamoros will help Ashley's mom!
We then finished out time together with communion and enjoyed some time together talking.
Coming up this Thursday, we will be worshipping in an entirely new way and talking more about the meaning of More than More. We really hope you all can make it!
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
What's behind us - What's ahead
Hi everyone! Sorry the blog has been kind of short on entries, but we have been in Matamoros, Mexico for the past week, with limited to no access to internet. It was a wonderful time for our family...we certainly ministered in some of the most desperate circumstances I have ever seen.
Almost 2wks ago, we met at Becky's house and the group just really was cool to her by helping out cleaning up her yard/house. We pulled weeds and trimmed bushes and even washed windows. It was easy to see the gratefulness in her eyes and the sense of God's love in us, as we shared the time with her. We don't do these things out of guilt or because we "should." We do them because we want to show the love of God in some real way to someone who needs it. The thing is, we don't need any special "event" to share God's love with people who need something. All we really have to do is pay attention and be willing to trust that God will provide the words, the time, the peace at the moment, and the opportunity to share. I have the most wonderful joy and peace in my life, through all kinds of dificult circumstances, all from love of God - it's nothing I do to deserve it - anyone can have this. Sharing that love with other people is one of the greatest things about living! If you know God already, ask Him for a chance to share this love today.
This Thursday, we will be back at McAllister Center again - 6:45-8:00PM. It will be a great time of hanging out and enjoying each other and God. You will not find judgmentalism there, only love. You will not find nastiness or self-righteousness. You will find real people who care about you, no matter your race, speech, clothes, habits, past, present, future, finances of lack of them. You need to be there. As always, there will be free childcare, and directions to McAllister Community Center are on previous blogs. We hope to see you there!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
