You Just Don't Understand

When i was in med school, it didn't take me long to learn that it is a bad idea to say to a woman anything on the order of, "i understand" when she is getting a mammogram, pap smear, or in childbirth.  In fact, in medicine you learn pretty quickly that you will never be able to understand most of the people's pain and problems that you care for, male, female, young, old - there are just too many pains and too many people.

But every once in a while you get an appreciation, a taste, of the pain of others have felt and in those moments you find yourself grateful for your own life.  I am not suggesting that in these "taste" moments that you truly understand all the layers and facets of someone's pain, but maybe just a hint of it - i am about to write about something that is giving me a taste tonight and i want to put this disclaimer at the top of this post - I am not claiming to understand - that is kinda the point - i don't understand - never will - but i feel this strange pain tonight and wanted to share a new appreciation with you - so bear with me, or, if you don't want to find out what i have tasted, please stop reading now.  Really, i am so overwhelmed sometimes by the pain of the people around me that it is not unusual for me to be exhausted by the end of the day, in spite of the fact that i hardly have a vigorous job!  The pain and heartache is huge in this world.  But, rather than running from the pain, i would rather acknowledge it, own it (at least mine and the people i love), and try to honestly deal with life from there.  that is what i am trying to do here, join me if you want.

In the past 18 months i have tasted what it might be like to lose a child.  I flew to meet my wife and daughter, what seemed like 24 hours (it wasn't), all the while not sure if my daughter would be alive when i got there and then arrived to hear the doctors tell us that leukemia was one of the possibilities and looking at her labs, i was thankful we had her right then but was not sure she would be with us in 2013 - thankfully she is with us, but the taste of losing her - the idea of it being in my mind and my wife's, was horrific.   I cannot begin to fathom the devastation of losing a child.  I am so thankful for the life of my 14 year old. 

Now this may sound silly to many of you, but tonight i miss my wife.  You must understand, we got married when i was 21 and she was 19.  I had only lived in dorms and my childhood home prior to living with her.  The longest we have been apart before this year (btw we will be married 20years this month) was 3days for girls weekends and a couple solitude retreats i have taken.  She was gone all last week and was back for all of about 18hrs and then she left again.  I have to tell you - i miss everything.  I miss her hogging the covers.  I miss her pillow on the bed.  I miss the way she laughs and the way she jokes.  I miss the way she hugs me when i come home.  I miss the way when i am hurting (which i am today - for a totally separate reason), she consoles me and reminds me of who i really am, as opposed to who i think/fear i am.

So, i was sitting there this morning in church, listening, singing, trying to notice what might be important for me to hear and feeling all this emotion - missing her (please bear with me - i know it probably sounds so trivial to many of you) - when it smashed me in the head like a 2x4.  This is how bad it hurts to just miss her (when she's coming back next saturday).  What if i lost her?  What must it feel like to have the woman you love die?  Then there is never going to be her joking and her hugs and her pillow and her reminders.  And then my mind continued (as it so often does), what if it wasn't that i lost her, but that she betrayed me?  What if she stopped loving me?  What if she not only wasn't here with me, but she chose not to be here with me?  If just missing her here and now hurts like this...oh my...and my heart began to throb for those i love so dearly that have lost those they love...their faces flashed across my mind - some i have been to the funerals and some i have been there in the divorces and some i was not around for the pain but i have seen it so many times on their faces.  I wanted to sob then and there.  I didn't, but i wanted to.  I wanted to grieve for all the heartache and all the pain they feel.  I don't want them to have to feel even the tiny amount of pain i feel right now missing my wife, much less to feel the agony that they have felt in their lives - i want to take it away - i want to make it all right...but i can't.  I can't make it all right anymore than i can make myself invisible.

I am reading this book a friend gave to me to read.  I think my mom read it a long time ago, because i remember the title and i wondered about it at the time (like why do you need that book, mom).  It's called Healing for Damaged Emotions.  It's by a guy named David Seamonds (i think that is the name anyway).  I am only a little way into the book, so i can't come out and say that it is fantastic or anything like that, but i have thoroughly benefited from what i have read so far and am promised a chance to talk about it when i am done reading, with the friend who gave it to me - that will be a good thing.  Anyway one of the things i have taken already from this book is that many times we don't fully appreciate the pain in someone's heart even when we know them.  There are many reasons for this, at least in me.  In part it is because i am way more self-focused than i want to be - and when i am thinking about me, i have a hard time noticing someone else's pain.  In part we dont see it because we don't give each other the chance to see the hurts - and understandably so, fool me once shame on you... - we are not easily ready to be open to being hurt again.  Sometimes it is because we do not even realize how the pain in our lives is affecting us - we figure we are "over it" and so we don't think it would be of any use to even share it.  Sometimes we don't share because it is just to painful and we don't want to go back there again - again understandably.  So, it is easy to miss the pain that is right there in those we care about.

Another thing i have learned in this book is that we need to be so kind and understanding with each other, willing to forgive, patient and wise.  For so many times the things we say and do come partly from all the pain in us - all the hurt in us - and we may not be able to control it.  In fact many times we do not even realize why we are doing the things we do, we just do them, in response to inward programming, brought about by the hurts.  We need to be willing to consider that when someone hurts us who we love and who loves us, it may not be because they are mean or bad, but broken, hurting.  Now, how to deal with that in a relationship is difficult and i am not sure i even have a clue how.  But, realizing that the pain and heartache in us motivates and drives us could be so helpful to forgive, to heal, to reconcile, to bear with.

I also have learned that many many times good people who are trying everything they can think of to be the best people they can be, trying to notice really good, trying to connect with God and inviting Him into their worlds - sometimes they really struggle with making progress because of all the hurt they have inside them.  This certainly has been the case for me - it has taken me years and years to make any progress at all with God - never really understood it until I began to see how my broken places were pushing to be a person that i didn't want to be - the good news for me is that God has brought tons of healing to my broken places (still have a long way to go) and for some of the people i know.

This feeling like you are trying and having a hard time making progress is super common i think.  And it brings out 2 points.  1) Don't get so discouraged that you give up - keep going - there is healing to be had - we can talk about it, we certainly can't heal your hurts, but we can help you begin the process and point you in some good directions - and this is the life journey we try to walk through together in More than more.  2) We must battle back against our tendencies to sometimes judge other people harshly because they are not making "progress" in their lives at the same pace as we are.  I have had to learn this as a leader.  People's journeys vary and i need to accept their choices and their lives as theirs.  The hard part is watching them make choices that harm them and receiving the harm they give me.  It doesn't mean that we have to condone what they are doing - we must still tell them the truth - but we must look for ways to continue to accept and love them, regardless of their choices.

So, i guess i just wanted to write a bit about the pain in our lives.  I hate that so many of you (all of you, really) have had to deal with pain - tons of it - massive amounts of it.  It breaks my heart to imagine the internal anguish you have been through.  I am sorry for the times i have not understood, the times i have been selfish, the times i have been too broken in myself to see you clearly.  In the midst of the taste of missing my wife, i want you to know that i may not understand, but i do care, we care.  This is what More than more is all about, creating space for people to go on this journey of healing together.  It is not perfect - but it is better than any other place i have found for this journey.

We will be hanging out again on July 25th.  McAllister Recreation Center - just off 20th and Schuyler Ave, Lafayette, 645-800 pm.  Hope to see you there.

Outreach details

Sorry this is so late, but this is first chance i have had to sit down today - boy do i ever miss Melissa!  We have an exciting outreach tomorrow night!  We will be working in a yard - so wear work clothes, and bring shovels, rakes, loppers, pruners, work gloves, anything that might be helpful in getting a yard in shape (no mowers necessary).  We will meet at McAllister, just off 20th and schuyler ave,  at 645 as usual and will leave at 655, so dont be too late. we plan to be finished by 830ish - i look forward to joining with you in sharing God's love!

it is gonna be a great time so dont miss it

A "moment"

This morning we (me and my oldest daughter) were driving down the road outside our house.  It goes over a bridge where a creek flows.  This bridge has always been called the"bump bridge" because it has provided us with many "airborne" moments because of the steepness of it and the size of our truck.

Well, a while back we had some flooding and a massive number of trees were stuck on the side of the bottom of the bridge - blocking a lot of the flow of the creek until they could be removed with lots of heavy equipment.  Within a few days of that, there was a crew working on the bridge - limiting it to 1 lane and then with 24hrs, there was a traffic light.  Now, we cannot go straight over the "bump bridge" but must wait for the traffic light to signal that we can safely cross in the 1 remaining lane.  This light can be frustrating, because although we were told that there was a sensor in the ground, it appears the light is on a timer - meaning even in the middle of the night or whenever, if there is no other traffic and the light is red, you still have to wait for the light to change.  Sitting there, grinding our teeth, tapping our fingers, complaining about the light and its waste of our time.  No work has been done on this bridge in weeks so we don't know exactly what is happening, but eventually i would guess someone is going to work on it or something.

All that to say this morning we were driving down the road and the red light at the "bump bridge" was on again and so, in spite of the fact that there was no one around us for miles on the road, we stopped.

But when we stopped, windows down, i heard something...birds.  They were singing their lungs out - it was beautiful.  I heard and felt the coolness of the morning air, damp after the recent rain.  It is that time of year that cool wind is like a cold drink of water on the beach - it is so wonderful.  The trees were so green, the leaves waving gently in the breeze.  The grass was so beautiful, striking in its color.  There was a peace and joy and simplicity there that called to me.  It reminded me that the things that are really important in my life often get drowned out by the rushing, even rushing over the bump bridge.  Were these colors always like this here?  Were the leaves waving?  Were the birds singing?  Have i missed them so many times?

Then something terrible happened.  The light changed to green.  Wait, wait, i can't go on, i can't cross the bridge and hurry off.  I want to stay - turn back to red again!  I want to take in the sights and smells longer.

Strange how that happens - the very thing that has antagonized me, that has frustrated me, that has dogged me - the epitome of the government disrespecting our time with this silly light - it became the thing that reminded me that all this loveliness and wonder and beauty is right there in front of me so much of the time - it would only notice.  I began to just thank the fantastic God who made not just the beauty of the world, but my ability to see, smell, hear and appreciate it - i invited Him into the moment...and my day has not been the same ever since!

If life as usual in this crazy American world of get, get, get, buy, buy, buy - always more and more and more, is bugging you - if you are looking to notice more - to see more, to smell more, to find more peace, joy, goodness - we would love to have you join us this coming Thursday.

We will be getting together at McAllister Recreation center, just off 20th and Schuyler Ave, Lafayette, at about 6:45 and then around 6:55 we will be driving to an outreach night - on these nights we do something to help someone else in our community.  We will be finished typically around 8:30.  All your family is welcome!  It is a great thing to get out of life as usual!

Hope to see you there!