tomorrow night

Hey everyone.

Tomorrow night, the 20th, we will be hanging out at More than more.  It is always a great time of laughter and seeing life differently.

We will be at McAllister Recreation Center - off Schuyler Ave, Lafayette - from 645-800.  We will have awesome childcare for kids up to 5th grade.

It is so hard in this life to find people who genuinely like you for who you really are - i hope we get a chance to see you there!

Thursday Night - the 6th of August

Hey you all - we will be hanging out this Thursday, the 6th of August from 645-800pm at McAllister Recreation Center, just off 20th and Schuyler Ave, Lafayette - we would love to have you join us!

It is always a relaxed and fun time - just hanging out with some people who care for no reason but that they do - no agendas!

Hope to see you

Life's Garden

I read a sign recently that’s said “Life's a garden, dig it up.” I immediately began to chuckle as I thought to myself how dug up my life currently felt.  I tossed around several interpretations which all brought me to the same conclusion – stupid sign.  But I just couldn't get it out of my mind.  I felt like God must be trying to tell me something but I was puzzled as to what.  You reap what you sow…?  True but not it.  Life is messy but amazing things can come from dirt…? Again true but that was not it.  

Whatever it was I knew I was supposed to write about it.  I prayed and prayed but nada.  I gave up.  I decided if He wants me to do something with it He was going to need make it obvious.  Then my pastor said something on Sunday that opened the door back up.  He talked about getting to a point of desperation to hear Gods word for a message to share, not because my pastor didn’t have anything to say but because he knew it needed to be Gods word not his own.  Hmm.  Was that what I was doing??  Trying so hard to make sense of it and find a way to turn into clever blog??  Gut punch! I needed to get out of my head and let God into my heart.  Funny thing was as soon as I stopped trying to figure it out God made it obvious.

Today I was going to write on my lunch break, however a coworker/friend asked me to join her as she escaped work for lunch.  We had a great time just chit chatting about work,  life events, pets, friends, etc.  She shared how she had just picked a TON of corn and green beans to can.  It was a lot of work!  I  mean a LOT of work.  But I noticed something amazing about her.  She had more joy for being able to share the veggies then she did about having a TON of yummy food to last her a long time.  She was grateful to have a brother who helped her numerous times with car troubles that also accepted corn as even trade.  She also shared with friends and family just because she appreciates and loves them.  It was beautiful to hear about such a simple act of love.  Think about it if you spent your weekend working your butt off would you give your earnings so generously?  If you worked all day to build the perfect bench for your garden would you give it away?  Reminds me of a dear friend of mine who made my family a pot of chili- not just any chili- really really yummy chili! Chili that probably cooked all day.  He was thrilled to be able to take the burden of making a meal for my family off my shoulders.  Also reminds me few other amazing individuals I know who work incredibly hard in life yet generously give out of love.  

That is what the sign means.  Gardens take work.  Lots of work.  Planting, digging, watering, pulling weeds, picking, etc.  Just like life.   You can reap great benefits from what you sow.  Just like life.   But gardening is messy too- bugs, dirt, mud, thistles, rotten veggies.   Just like life.  Mine particularly feels messy…leaky roof, bills, relationship struggles, etc.  Maybe it’s a flooded basement making life messy, or a hornets nest making you want to run for safety.  The mess is easy to find.  But amazing things can come from the mess – corn, green beans, friendships, laughter, etc.  The point is share your garden.  Notice others gardens.  Help others pick the corn- whether its rebuilding a bedroom or sharing a meal.  

 Life is a garden- dig it up.  Don't get stuck on your perfectly crafted bench- get in the dirt, notice people, work hard, give generously, love just because.  Not sure where to start?  Join us Thursday July 23^rd at 6:45 pm at McAllister Recreation Center just off Schuyler Avenue.  You will be surrounded by some of the best gardeners I know.

tonight - More than more

Hey everyone!
Tonight we will be hanging out from 645-800 at McAllister Recreation Center - just off 20th and Schuyler Ave, Lafayette.
It will be an awesome time to laugh and enjoy - hope you can make it!

Where do we find something from nothing?

So, the questions continue.  Seems we answer a few and then have a few more.
Wind - that's where we started.  Wind that might blow away the problems of our lives.  The hurts.  The pains.  The weaknesses.  The bitterness.  The habits.  The insecurities.

Yet we have seen that the pain and all the brokenness in our lives may be like childbirth - producing something that is amazing.  The pains may not go away (most likely wont).  And yet, there seems to be some perspective on them that can change them and the way we see them.

But at the end, when the brokenness has swallowed us and we are face to face with a reflection of who we are, at the end of our abilities, what do we do now?  There in that place of desolation, what direction do we turn?  I can see that it is possible for another person to journey out of their individual brokenness and childbirth experiences to where the perspective is different and they can become someone new.  But what about me?  What about you?  I know so many who have experienced the rock bottom end of their attempts to control, escape, buy, salvage, their lives.  I have seen them try to be religious enough to fix it all - only to find that their religion was empty and their religious people just as broken as them.  I have seen them try to run away from the pain to alcohol or marijuana or crack or meth, only to see them burned out, arrested, about to lose everything.  I have seen them try to work their way to the top, making tons of money, buying what they want, only to experience emptiness in their lives sitting in rooms of all their stuff.  I have seen them convinced that having fun would make them happy, only to find that in the end, the fun was empty and there was nothing left there.  I have seen them eat and eat and eat to squash the pain they feel inside, only to find in the end that the food made their health suck and left them ready to die.

There, at the bottom, we experience emptiness.  We experience the totality of nothing.  The person we wanted to be?  Nothing.  The person we have been?  Nothing.  The accomplishments of our life?  Nothing.  The running away?  Nothing.  The purchases? Nothing.  Nothing left of all of it. 

In the space of nothing there is terror.  There is despair.  What is left? 

What can you do with nothing?

Well, consider for a moment...

I knew a man once.  He was wanting to build a new house.  He bought a lot in the location he liked and started drawing up the papers for the house, with anticipation, we crafted the blueprints with his architect and builder.  He came and talked to me about something else and the new house came up.  He showed me pictures of the lot and i was struck...there was a house on the lot.  What about the house?  I asked.  Well, it is old and broken down and beyond repair.  Can't u gut it and rebuild from it?  it seems such a waste to just tear it down.  No, it would be impossible to get the wonderful house we are going to have from that house.  It's better just to tear it down and start over.

you will have to tear it down first - this is me - I was the old house - I had not intended to have a broken down and ineffective and messed up way of living.  I had just tried to survive my circumstances.  That house (that man in the mirror that I hated) was simply the best I could do.  But in order to build a new house, I needed to get to nothing.  Unfortunately nothing does not feel good - it is bad.  But, bad in the only way we seem to ever get motivated to go ahead and move on from our broken house to building a new one. 

My friend was an alcoholic.  He knew it.  He was messing his life up.  He knew it.  But that was the life he knew and he was not about to risk changing it - it was what was safe to him.  I tried to reach out to him - even having him meet with me and a recovering alcoholic/counselor I knew.  We sat down, had lunch, chatted.  It all seemed to be fine to me.  My friend left, leaving me with the older counselor - "He's not ready yet," he said.  "why do you say that?"  "It hasn't cost him enough yet.  Alcohol has not broken his life enough yet."    I shook my head - but he was right - my friend had a long way to go yet before alcohol pushed him to be motivated to change - when there was nothing, there was a chance to build.

Out of nothing.

Something.

But where does the something begin?  It begins with those cries from the pit of nothing.  Then we begin to look for who we might be.  In our terror, we realize at some point that the pain has not killed us yet and we look around.

That is when it is essential that we NOTICE.  Most often we find that God is there.  In the world around us.  In the relationships that we "bump" into.

We see the sun.  We realize the simple warmth of it.  We are thankful for the warmth.  We recognize the infinitesimally small chance in all the universe of people being on a planet with a sun that forms just the right amount of heat - not too much, lest we be fried to a crisp and not too little, lest we be frozen like human popsicles.  We realize that the most likely answer to this is that it is not an accident - and though we do not understand, we thank the God who was so particular about the distance of the Earth from the Sun.  We ask Him to join us in our life.  We ask to notice.

We see the smile of a child - and we recognize something amazing and wonderful about life and the way children grow and develop.  And we realize that the most likely is that that is not an accident and we thank the God who chose to make kids...

We look for chances to be with people who are also noticing.  We listen to their stories.  And we share in them.  We look for chances to own the nothing of our lives and then allow this God who is speaking to us of goodness in life through the sunshine and smiles that we always knew was there, but were so wrapped up in trying to survive that we were never able to see it with clarity to continue to show us who we can be now - we allow Him to begin to write the blueprints of our lives  - that something beautiful would be built on the broken nothing foundation of what we were.

Over time, noticing becomes a piece of the new us.  And, although we still wrestle with the past habits and pain and loss often, we realize that God is taking us to something new.  And we begin to dare to want to share of our nothings with those who we encounter who have seen nothing too and don't know where to turn.   And we find in our stories, that there is a thread of commonality of our broken attempts to survive and the building of a new house on the nothing that the broken left us with.  We find that there is goodness coming out of the nothing.  That others can see life through us and in this we find more and more of the new life that God is making in us.  We see the string of connected notices and God leading us to see Him - loving us - healing us - rebuilding us - out of nothing, into something.

We are broken at More than more.  We do not claim to "have it all figured out."  But, we do see that out of the nothing of our lives, is coming something.  Something that is amazing and wonderful - like the warmth of the sunshine and the smile of the child.  We find ourselves being made new.  And we are on this journey together.

I understand that many of you who read this will not be ready.  It's ok.  But I want all of you to remember - that when you find yourself at nothing, because the wind never will blow away all the pain and guilt and hurt and insecurity and loss and habits and heartaches and anger and escapes, there is a God who cares to show you a path, a blueprint, to a new house.  the house is not magic and is almost never a "home makeover" in a weekend.  it is painful and long, but it is worth it and it is wonderful.  If when you are ready, you would begin by noticing.  And, if you are anywhere, from broken and not ready, to at the end and acutely aware of your nothing, you are welcome to join us - next Thursday night, June 11th, from 645-800pm at McAllister Recreation Center - just off 20th and Schuyler Ave, Lafayette.  I think you will find that we are strange and fun and awkward and messed up, but that we notice better than almost anyone you know.  We would love to meet you and hang out - hope you can make it.

wind blown perspective

So, it is hard to figure isn't it?

wind blows away the problems of the past and I become someone vastly different than who I am today - leaving those people (and some of  you) that the wounds in me have helped to heal today to find their help elsewhere

wind blows away the problems of today and alters my course in life - my future...

but...

wind blows away the problems and I have less insecurity, less pain, less wrestling, less hurt, less anger, less resentment, less uncertainty, less heartache...


there are times that I want to be free of the pain so much that I would sacrifice all the good it produces to just feel free

and there are times that I am so glad I have experienced the life (including the pain) I have experienced that I would not change a minute of it

I find that I am a man torn, divided, like a seam is there in the middle of me, and at times it pulls apart and the fabric frays at the tension...

One thing I have learned is that the pain from my past (sorry) does not go away.

As much as I would like it to blow away (or blow it away - with substances, food, numbing, etc), it never goes away - it is always there again when the wind dies down (or the sugar rush, or the high).

But there is something here that is hard to explain -you see, the pain does not own me the same way it did - its not that it doesn't hurt - it does - it's that it's power to dominate my life is so much less than it used to be.

Let me see if I can give you a couple examples:

I have never pushed a baby from my body, but I am going to venture a description of new motherhood - please do not shoot me for I am a pitiful male and will never experience such things as this, as I have been told many times...

But, unlike most men, I have delivered hundreds of babies.  I have known hundreds of momma's.  I have known many long before they were pregnant.  I have seen them grow up.  I have been there to tell them of the positive test (some surprises and some not).  I have taken their calls in the middle of the night to tell me about the contractions.  I have counted the pushes and been there to make sure their babies were healthy and strong as they delivered.  I have reassured the dads and glanced at them to make sure they were not gonna pass out, handing them the scissors to cut the cord.  I have heard moms cry out in agony as that baby arrives.  They have strained more than you would think a human could if you have never seen it.  I have heard some scream at the exhaustion and the pain.  I have witnessed ladies I thought were far too immature to be moms discover something inside them that they (and I) had no idea was there, in the midst of that pain.  Worlds are crushed and worlds are built in the delivery room.  As I think of it now, I am in awe of it all again! 

Yet, with all that pain - all that agony - all that screaming...there was never a time - not one of all the deliveries I helped with - that when I held that baby up to the momma - that she was thinking at all about the pain - she did not say how bad it had hurt (just a few minutes before) - in fact, the pain was far from her mind.  It was not that the pain was not real - it was.  It was not that she had forgotten completely - it was forever a part of her (and she would likely remind that child when they were 15!!!)  But there was a simple realization that the pain was part of her and that child.  She could not have had the child without the pain.  She would have missed out on those little hands, that smile, that life if she had not had the pain.


Here's another:

In my life, I have struggled with control.  My life was shattered as a young person.  The losses so severe and so pervasive that I feared that I would not be able to survive.  At times wishing that I could just die, I resigned myself to a broken, lonely heart.  I wrestled with faith and felt betrayed and hurt by the faith system that surrounded me - I felt condemned and cast out.  I formed a view of life that was broken and cynical - that was determined to be prepared for ALL bad things that may come in the future - ultimately leaving me expecting brokenness and hurt.  This left me completely unable to be a decent human being. 

I realized this often - at first a victim of life, I had been beaten down and broken - and then as I wrestled with the pain, I had become a person that was so broken that indeed I was not someone people wanted to be around - so scarred and broken inside - I had no idea who I was or who I was to be.  Face to face with myself, I hated who I had become - but I had no idea how to be someone else.

I cried out and found that no one was there who could help me.  In my pit of despair, utter and totally broken - trying to simply survive a moment at a time yet not sure I cared if I did - I found the end of my ability to control the pain.  I was no longer able to protect myself - no longer able to anticipate anything.  My own method of dealing with the pain of life unraveled and I feared for my sanity as I faced the unchecked fear of my childhood.  It broke over me in waves.  I felt as if I was drowning.  I wanted there in those moments to experience some beautiful moment where someone would save me - where God would swoop in and rescue me in my heartache - but that is not what happened.  I simply felt my total inability to deal with the burdens of life and the brokennesses of life in the method that I had used my entire life. 

It has been many years since those days - I am thankful they are far behind me.  But in spite of the fact that I am different now - a man of hope and life - that place in my life was something I did not want to face - did not want to deal with completely - that place of desolation.  And it was because God was not there the way I thought he should have been - I figure He should have saved me or something and all I found was emptiness - no satisfying answer from heaven to my cries. 

I had spent all these years so unsettled about that time.  Knowing it was pivotal to me and my life.  But still sometimes soaking in the pain of it - certainly not seeing any well defined point to the pain - there was no baby delivered from my childbirth of the soul...

Then the other day a man sat down with me.  He described to me myself.  He described his life and the darkness of a time when he was devastated and broken and cried out for help from God and heard nothing - no epiphany - no relief - just silence and pain. 

And then it happened...I understood my story as I told him...

My loss in those days was not about God at all - it was about me.  I reached the end of my coping mechanisms - I realized that I could not keep myself safe, could not protect myself.  The hole that I found there was where, little by little, day by day, moment by moment, year by year, God brought me to know TRUTH.  Where he showed me who I really was - the shattering of the distorted mirror I saw before those days was painful, but was key to my beginning the process of seeing who I really am in the True mirror God has shown me over all these years since.

And this man, so abandoned, looked at me and recognized the Truth.  He heard the Truth.  And he shared his relief.  His understanding.  As I showed him the mirror God has constructed for me - and what he looks like. 

Out of the pain - years of uncertainty

and the birth of this man to Life  - and I see that so much of my life is built on the framework of the hole of those days now.  I never understood.  And now I do.  And so does another man who has experienced the same loss.

It makes the pain of those days seem both more and less important. 

And it breaks the hold of that pain on my life - another step to freedom.



2 stories

clearly the pain and the perspective are key
 - to the mom the pain is not relevant and yet it is - and to me in the moment I was able to throw a rope over the cliff to the man who was falling forever in his pain, the pain is relevant and not...

it is good to think about these - but it leaves us with more questions:

How do we go about life?  In the presence of these pains and hurts, how do we do life?  Even if we agree, we have to survive this day.  How do we progress?  Out of the hole, how is there a new us constructed?  How is the True mirror made?  practically what does that look like?

That should bring us to our last post about the wind - sorry this was long - just kinda kept flowing


If you are ready for life to start living different - you might just consider joining us at Morethanmore.  We will be hanging out at McAllister Recreation Center, just off 20th and Schuyler Ave, Lafayette - from 645-800pm on May 28th - it is a group of broken people who will laugh and joke and care and spend an evening with you, with no pretenses and no expectations.  There will be free childcare up to 5th grade.  Hope you can join us!

The Wind & the Change - the darkness

So, maybe it wouldn't be the best if the wind blew away all of the things we wish it would...

maybe the windblown stuff of our lives has the possibility to produce something in our lives and through our lives that is bigger and more good than we can possibly see...

but I am also evidence of the fact that the pain and burdens of our lives don't always lead us to good...

sometimes, they lead us to
                    insecurity       fear               withdrawal            depression        inactivity    
                            weakness             hatred                 bitterness                escape                abuse
               substances


I have lived in many of these (as have my friends) - they have characterized me for variable amounts of my life...


So, maybe we should have the wind blow away the pains - it sure does get confusing when product of the windblown stuff is sometimes so bad and sometimes so good...what do we do with the bad?

At More than more we deal with real life - and we care about each other and our world - we refuse to see life the way the rest of the world does - we choose to Notice - we would love to have you join us next Thursday night, may 14th, 645-800PM at McAllister Recreation Center - just off 20th and Schuyler Ave, Lafayette