What time is it?

We are lucky to have a wonderful family. My wife and kids are a joy to nearly all who meet them...and every time I spend more than a few hours with them it seems I have this dominant ache inside my soul that cries for more. There is joy in their growth and the ever-changing love we share that seems to knit us together like a skilled craftsman making a beautiful scarf, and a grief in their growth and the ever-changing love we share that seems to be gradually moving us apart, into the strength of the childrens' independence and eventual departure from our home to their own homes (just this week my 5 year old has been discussing with me who she will "probably marry" and why).



It is under the spell of one of these times that I write now. We are in Chicago for our last weekend before 5th, 3rd, kindergarten.

I am also massively lucky to have my in-laws. They are hospitable and gracious, kind and loving, and have taught me so much about caring and true love that I will never be able to thank them enough.


We stayed Friday night with them and, in keeping with their famous hospitality, we slept in their bed. I was really tired, as I often am after a week of bathing in the hurts of mankind in my office, and I turned in long before Melissa. I took a glass of water to bed, to sit on the nightstand, feeling parched.


Needless to say it was only minutes before I went to my dreams, prayerfully asking God as I nearly always do to take my sleep, hoping He will make sense of all the jumble inside there before morning...like a unconscious therapy session I take part in each night.


Somewhere in the night I woke up. In the the haze of partially completed "sleep therapy" my bleary eyes looked over at the bright green numbers of their alarm clock on the nightstand. But the bleariness was more severe than usual yesterday in the night. In fact, all I saw was a fuzz of green distortion. I shook my head, blinked hard, figuring that the image would clear - it did not. Then I realized that the rest of the room was clear, but the clock was not. In fact, where I had set my glass was directly in between me and the numbers and I was seeing them through bent glass and water. I moved to the side and the numbers were clear, I realized it was 2AM, in keeping with how my body felt, and went back to sleep.


But, even that night, an observation began to dawn on me. So many times in my life, I go about the details of living. I spend time investing in a million things. Up, exercise, read, write, to work, run, run, run, lunch, to work, run, run, run, home, quickly bond and hangout, activities and responsibilities, run, run, run and then kids to bed, run, and then clean up the dishes and all with Melissa, write, exercise, run, run, run, bed. The franticness is only exceeded by the sense that we a driven by our schedule. But so many times when I go to look at the time, to get a sense of what it is all about, what the drive for life is, what the purpose of it all is, I feel like I am looking through bent glass and water and that there is no clarity at all - there is clarity of all else - where I am supposed to be, what I am supposed to do, who I am supposed to be with, etc, but not clarity to what the significance of it all is. Yet, I grope and blink and strain my eyes sometimes to see what it all means. I strain because I know there is More. There is something besides the everyday, day-to-day, run, run, run, but it is not always clear what that is.


How's that for pitiful? Here I am the "leader" of More than more; the one who is supposed to have all the answers, and I struggle like crazy.


Well, I have fabulous news for you! This struggle, this groping, grappling, blinking, straining to focus, is actually a wonderful gift. You see, most people live lives feeling the uncertainty, blinking and searching, aching for something more - sensing that life has some significance and majesty and wonder and joy and fullness more than they are getting - they see it in the eyes of their children on Christmas morning, they see it in the smile of their lover on sunset evenings, the smell it in the air on the fall mornings when the fog has not lifted yet, they hear it in the rush of the wind and the song of the birds, they feel it in the vibration of a NASCAR car as it flies by, and in the hit of a defensive end on a quarterback, it screams at them as they watch the days of their lives fly by and look back on years of wasted time, they experience the ache of it in the credit card statements and the fact that there is still the same sense with the bill that there had been prior to the purchase - there must be more...


This more, this focus place, this meaning, can be found - you can connect with the power of the NASCAR and the delicacy of the fog - there is a unifying More to life. This is not the "religion" fed to us over years and years of organizations, denominations and liturgies. This is a living God, who loves you. He loves me so much. He clarifies the run, run, run and makes it full of joy, an exciting adventure. He is the reason that More than more exists. He is the reason that my life has meaning. He is the reason that you feel all those moments of "eternity touches" that I just mentioned. Sadly, He has been contamninated by our search for power and desire to harness Him into what we want Him to be in churches and pastors and congregations over the years - he has been bashed by the struggle to dominate in terrible times like inquisitions and crusades. He has taken it on the chin by us. But, please, do not let the organization of Christianity create your opinion of God. Begin to open your mind to the possibility that that cry inside you is a cry for Him - the real Him...that He only wants you. Consider that the reason you have not yet found the fullness and meaning and joy that you sense is out there, is that you have not yet opened your life to the idea that He is the reason. Begin simply asking Him to enter your world. Ask Him into your moments. Be real with Him. My journey began with a simple request to Him - humble and pure and true - "Please Lord Jesus, teach me to love - I don't know how and I don't even know what to do. Please help me." This simple request and He has remade my life. I touch the wonder of all with each episode of "run, run, run."


If you would like to join with some other people who are doing this...broken, messed up, addicted, lost, hurting, beaten down, but beginning to see More to life, please join us this next Thursday, 8/20/09 at 20th and Schuyler Ave, McAllister Recreation Center - Lafayette, 6:45-8:00PM. Plan to have your focus changed - to notice life in a different way - and to meet some people who will care for you, just because - no one will judge you for what you wear, what you say, or what you've done. What they will do is invite you to join them on a journey past the green fuzzy numbers.



We hope to see you there!