What I Defy Part 2

So, as i said in my last post, i will spend my entire life defying the culture we live in - suspect by now you are getting that... But there were 2 other reasons for choosing the word defy for the tattoo on my left arm. The first was expected when i got the tattoo and the 2nd has been pretty profoundly affecting me in the past several months. The second thing i intend to defy in my life is a little more complicated than the first. You see, i grew up in 2 churches for almost my entire life before i left home. I was kinda a loner of a kid, in spite of wanting desperately to have friends and be loved. i would always get excited when someone new moved into town, hoping that they would be the person who would be my friend. I dreamed of moving away and starting out new with friends and good times. I looked for attention and love wherever i could find it. But i did not find it in church. I learned about this Jesus in church - the one who loved the little children and included those who were cast out - and yet what i saw in church was hurt, exclusive and mean cliques, harsh and painful words, hypocrisy (like parents allowing other peoples' kids to do things at their houses that they knew the parents would not allow), gossip and boredom. I hated church so much that i would arrive with my parents, find a back stairwell that no one used, and sit there until everything was over and then come out and meet up with them again to head home. It was easier to run away than to battle. I determined at that time of my life that i did not want anything to do with a God whose people were this way and so i rebelled (there were other reasons too, but not for this post). What i saw at home was better, but not all the way - i saw parents who clearly loved me, but struggled a ton with loving each other. I saw a father who was consumed with making money, motivated out of love and desire to not leave us destitute should he die (which i think he expected at any moment), but nevertheless his focus on money was undeniable - sitting in church and writing on the tithe envelopes what his finances and savings looked like... I saw a mother who would run away from him and problems when she couldn't handle them. I heard tons about the rules i should follow, the damnation i would face if i died and was not living right (felt like i needed to live perfect, although i am not sure that was the intent), and felt the weakness of my life in trying to do what God wanted. For years i prayed nightly before i went to sleep that God would please forgive my sins as i was convinced that i was heading straight to hell. We did not attack the problems of our lives together with prayer. We did not speak of the wonderful grace of God and the joys of living for Him. We did not talk about freedom and hope and life and goodness. Mostly we were dominated by life and its problems. We lived in fear of death, of disease, of problems, of conflict, of money. It felt like a defeated life a lot of the time - we seemed to be getting by, waiting to live at best and at worst living to survive in fear and anger. I realized that my parents had once been very different; that they claimed to have met God and to have had their lives changed by Him. I realized that they had had profound effects on lots of people over the years for God, but i could not figure out why and i certainly did not see anything good in the church. I went my way in life - determined to do better, but not sure how. Then i hit my own rock bottom. Only 22 years old, i realized that i had no idea how to live life. I was broken inside - terribly - see the Sanctus Real song titled I'm not all right. In those times, i reached out to God, as did my new wife. We found Him. But I found Him in a strange way - personal, yet hard to believe in completely because of the distortions of my past. Then we found this really cool group of people that we loved and who loved us - we loved their kids and the kids loved us - calling us JasonandMelissa - as if there was only one of us, because we were always together. We learned from a grammy winning musician turned pastor (now a musician again)who understood God's love and grace so well. We hung out, did life, had lots of Oklahoma Mexican food and learned that maybe what i had seen as a kid was not all there was to God. But, at the same time i was encountering people at school who had this image of God and His people that was much the same as what i had seen growing up. They saw hurtfulness, judgement, harm, non-acceptance. They were talking about how hard it is to believe in God with all this suffering in the world. They talk about the God of child molesting priests and slaughtering crusades and Spanish inquisitions. It was strange to now be seeing the new and the old. I did not know what to do with it all at this part of my life, but was enjoying being accepted and loved for one of the first times in my life. I finished med school and went on to residency and there i encountered much the same. Residents who had little interest in God because of what they saw in the church and church people around them and other residents who were quick to exclude anyone who did not follow their list of rules. I saw despair in more forms than i can tell. Pain and heartache and loss and burden. I wrestled with God and tried to figure out who i was in the face of all this. The hurt in me was so big and so overwhelming at times i did not know what to do with it. Then we moved here - to Lafayette - and i began to truly journey with God - more and more deeply encountering Him as i tackled the pain of my past, grieved things i had never known i needed to, wept and prayed and hurt and also felt new freedom and peace and joy and then even goodness flowing from me and love for people and gentleness and patience and kindness within me - things that i am not sure i had ever really known before unless they were self-serving. i began to see people around me as wonderful and started loving them so much. Thing is, i went to church and saw many of the same things i had seen my whole life in church. I tried church leadership and boards and committees and i saw more of the same. Domination by rules in some churches, judgement and harshness and hurtfulness and in others feel good teaching that did not engage with the real cancers and death and pain that i see every day in the office. It was hard. Plus, i kept seeing people that had had the same kind of experiences that i had had in church growing up and many of them were saying to me that they would never go to church again. Some of them refused to even believe in God anymore because of it and some of them believed in God a ton, and talked to Him a lot, even read their Bibles, but they would NOT go to church. I had talks with gay folks who i cared about so much and listened to their feelings of hatred and betrayal at the church who would not love them. Their jeer was to quote the church saying, "Love the sinner, hate the sin," to me and then ask me who was loving them... Yet, at the same time i was meeting up with and loving people within the church who are kind, loving, accepting, tender, wise, gentle and generous. They inspire me. I now know preachers who love people more than their doctrine or their success. I have seen church people care for the people around them and graciously extend love even when it is hard. In short, i have seen church people who look a whole lot like Jesus - the real Jesus i know. So... I will defy the kind of distorted, mankind-dominated, self-focused, prideful, harsh, judgmental, mean-spirited, exclusive, messed-up kind of religion that has hurt so many people over the years, including me. I will intentionally spend a lot of my time trying to be divisive to any religiousness that is counter to the Truth of this wonderful God i serve. I will fly in the face of their rules when they are not founded on God. I will live "all in" for God and my love (only a gift from God) will defy their judgmentalism. I will forgive and not judge them either(only a gift from God too), but will love in the midst of their distortion - always always always pointing the way back to the God who has rescued me from the pit of despair i was in before i encountered Him. I will serve and sacrifice my entire life, everything (again only by His ability within me), for this amazing God of goodness and i will live this in the midst of the church, in the face of the church - with the intent to show them the wonder of this amazing God. And i will do it with a symbol of my defiance on my left upper arm. You see, i will simultaneously stand for all the judged people that have a tattoo in the world and for the wonderful love of the amazing God who established the church in the first place. My intent is to live out my life loving God and people and have church people ask me why i have a tattoo and then have the chance to tell them about this amazing God in my life...maybe in a way they never expected. And, my intent is to have some awesome conversations with some people i love dearly who have tattoos, who have no idea how much i love God, but who like the ink on my arm. We will have conversations about a God who loves people with tattoos as much as people without them. And how the people who judge them because of their tattoos or their long hair or the color of their skin or whatever superficialness they are being judged by do not well represent the God who i serve - the God who, when He walked on this earth, was accused of being a drunkard and hung out with the cast-offs of the society. Why did He? Because He loved them. He loved them. He loved them. He believed they had a beautiful future ahead of them. He believed they mattered! And so do i. (By the way, while i got the tattoo, me & the tattoo artists - now my friends - had a fantastic conversation about God...they are great guys who really struggle with how hurtful people are to them because of their skin) My hope is to be part of a church that loves people the way God does - in the meantime, i will defy anything that is contrary to the Goodness of God.