wind blown perspective

So, it is hard to figure isn't it?

wind blows away the problems of the past and I become someone vastly different than who I am today - leaving those people (and some of  you) that the wounds in me have helped to heal today to find their help elsewhere

wind blows away the problems of today and alters my course in life - my future...

but...

wind blows away the problems and I have less insecurity, less pain, less wrestling, less hurt, less anger, less resentment, less uncertainty, less heartache...


there are times that I want to be free of the pain so much that I would sacrifice all the good it produces to just feel free

and there are times that I am so glad I have experienced the life (including the pain) I have experienced that I would not change a minute of it

I find that I am a man torn, divided, like a seam is there in the middle of me, and at times it pulls apart and the fabric frays at the tension...

One thing I have learned is that the pain from my past (sorry) does not go away.

As much as I would like it to blow away (or blow it away - with substances, food, numbing, etc), it never goes away - it is always there again when the wind dies down (or the sugar rush, or the high).

But there is something here that is hard to explain -you see, the pain does not own me the same way it did - its not that it doesn't hurt - it does - it's that it's power to dominate my life is so much less than it used to be.

Let me see if I can give you a couple examples:

I have never pushed a baby from my body, but I am going to venture a description of new motherhood - please do not shoot me for I am a pitiful male and will never experience such things as this, as I have been told many times...

But, unlike most men, I have delivered hundreds of babies.  I have known hundreds of momma's.  I have known many long before they were pregnant.  I have seen them grow up.  I have been there to tell them of the positive test (some surprises and some not).  I have taken their calls in the middle of the night to tell me about the contractions.  I have counted the pushes and been there to make sure their babies were healthy and strong as they delivered.  I have reassured the dads and glanced at them to make sure they were not gonna pass out, handing them the scissors to cut the cord.  I have heard moms cry out in agony as that baby arrives.  They have strained more than you would think a human could if you have never seen it.  I have heard some scream at the exhaustion and the pain.  I have witnessed ladies I thought were far too immature to be moms discover something inside them that they (and I) had no idea was there, in the midst of that pain.  Worlds are crushed and worlds are built in the delivery room.  As I think of it now, I am in awe of it all again! 

Yet, with all that pain - all that agony - all that screaming...there was never a time - not one of all the deliveries I helped with - that when I held that baby up to the momma - that she was thinking at all about the pain - she did not say how bad it had hurt (just a few minutes before) - in fact, the pain was far from her mind.  It was not that the pain was not real - it was.  It was not that she had forgotten completely - it was forever a part of her (and she would likely remind that child when they were 15!!!)  But there was a simple realization that the pain was part of her and that child.  She could not have had the child without the pain.  She would have missed out on those little hands, that smile, that life if she had not had the pain.


Here's another:

In my life, I have struggled with control.  My life was shattered as a young person.  The losses so severe and so pervasive that I feared that I would not be able to survive.  At times wishing that I could just die, I resigned myself to a broken, lonely heart.  I wrestled with faith and felt betrayed and hurt by the faith system that surrounded me - I felt condemned and cast out.  I formed a view of life that was broken and cynical - that was determined to be prepared for ALL bad things that may come in the future - ultimately leaving me expecting brokenness and hurt.  This left me completely unable to be a decent human being. 

I realized this often - at first a victim of life, I had been beaten down and broken - and then as I wrestled with the pain, I had become a person that was so broken that indeed I was not someone people wanted to be around - so scarred and broken inside - I had no idea who I was or who I was to be.  Face to face with myself, I hated who I had become - but I had no idea how to be someone else.

I cried out and found that no one was there who could help me.  In my pit of despair, utter and totally broken - trying to simply survive a moment at a time yet not sure I cared if I did - I found the end of my ability to control the pain.  I was no longer able to protect myself - no longer able to anticipate anything.  My own method of dealing with the pain of life unraveled and I feared for my sanity as I faced the unchecked fear of my childhood.  It broke over me in waves.  I felt as if I was drowning.  I wanted there in those moments to experience some beautiful moment where someone would save me - where God would swoop in and rescue me in my heartache - but that is not what happened.  I simply felt my total inability to deal with the burdens of life and the brokennesses of life in the method that I had used my entire life. 

It has been many years since those days - I am thankful they are far behind me.  But in spite of the fact that I am different now - a man of hope and life - that place in my life was something I did not want to face - did not want to deal with completely - that place of desolation.  And it was because God was not there the way I thought he should have been - I figure He should have saved me or something and all I found was emptiness - no satisfying answer from heaven to my cries. 

I had spent all these years so unsettled about that time.  Knowing it was pivotal to me and my life.  But still sometimes soaking in the pain of it - certainly not seeing any well defined point to the pain - there was no baby delivered from my childbirth of the soul...

Then the other day a man sat down with me.  He described to me myself.  He described his life and the darkness of a time when he was devastated and broken and cried out for help from God and heard nothing - no epiphany - no relief - just silence and pain. 

And then it happened...I understood my story as I told him...

My loss in those days was not about God at all - it was about me.  I reached the end of my coping mechanisms - I realized that I could not keep myself safe, could not protect myself.  The hole that I found there was where, little by little, day by day, moment by moment, year by year, God brought me to know TRUTH.  Where he showed me who I really was - the shattering of the distorted mirror I saw before those days was painful, but was key to my beginning the process of seeing who I really am in the True mirror God has shown me over all these years since.

And this man, so abandoned, looked at me and recognized the Truth.  He heard the Truth.  And he shared his relief.  His understanding.  As I showed him the mirror God has constructed for me - and what he looks like. 

Out of the pain - years of uncertainty

and the birth of this man to Life  - and I see that so much of my life is built on the framework of the hole of those days now.  I never understood.  And now I do.  And so does another man who has experienced the same loss.

It makes the pain of those days seem both more and less important. 

And it breaks the hold of that pain on my life - another step to freedom.



2 stories

clearly the pain and the perspective are key
 - to the mom the pain is not relevant and yet it is - and to me in the moment I was able to throw a rope over the cliff to the man who was falling forever in his pain, the pain is relevant and not...

it is good to think about these - but it leaves us with more questions:

How do we go about life?  In the presence of these pains and hurts, how do we do life?  Even if we agree, we have to survive this day.  How do we progress?  Out of the hole, how is there a new us constructed?  How is the True mirror made?  practically what does that look like?

That should bring us to our last post about the wind - sorry this was long - just kinda kept flowing


If you are ready for life to start living different - you might just consider joining us at Morethanmore.  We will be hanging out at McAllister Recreation Center, just off 20th and Schuyler Ave, Lafayette - from 645-800pm on May 28th - it is a group of broken people who will laugh and joke and care and spend an evening with you, with no pretenses and no expectations.  There will be free childcare up to 5th grade.  Hope you can join us!

The Wind & the Change - the darkness

So, maybe it wouldn't be the best if the wind blew away all of the things we wish it would...

maybe the windblown stuff of our lives has the possibility to produce something in our lives and through our lives that is bigger and more good than we can possibly see...

but I am also evidence of the fact that the pain and burdens of our lives don't always lead us to good...

sometimes, they lead us to
                    insecurity       fear               withdrawal            depression        inactivity    
                            weakness             hatred                 bitterness                escape                abuse
               substances


I have lived in many of these (as have my friends) - they have characterized me for variable amounts of my life...


So, maybe we should have the wind blow away the pains - it sure does get confusing when product of the windblown stuff is sometimes so bad and sometimes so good...what do we do with the bad?

At More than more we deal with real life - and we care about each other and our world - we refuse to see life the way the rest of the world does - we choose to Notice - we would love to have you join us next Thursday night, may 14th, 645-800PM at McAllister Recreation Center - just off 20th and Schuyler Ave, Lafayette