A Road Hypocrite

I have a confession to make.

I am a road hypocrite.

Please don’t judge me too harshly.

You see, earlier this summer i was hit while riding my bike to work.  Don’t freak out, it only scabbed me up a bit.  The guy was super sorry and we did not call the police or the insurance company.

But, i was mad.  Very mad…at him.  For not looking.  For not seeing me.  He didn't look.  He should've looked.  He could've killed me.  These thoughts ran through my head as i looked at my knees and my bent up front tire.

Here’s what happened - it will help you understand:

    

So, he looked to the left where the cars  were coming from, but not to the right, where i was riding the wrong way on a one way street      I figured he should have looked to his right just in case there was a pedestrian coming, or a biker!!!!

Well, over a few weeks, the anger wore off, the scabs healed, we got a new bike tire, and all was ok.  I rode my bike to work and was a bit more careful.

But then the other day, i noticed something…

I was driving close to the same area of town and i stopped at a one way street, one i knew very well.  I stopped (full and complete, for i am a safe driver).  And i looked ONLY in the direction of the oncoming cars.  I was through the intersection before i realized that if a pedestrian (or a biker going the wrong way) was going against the one way, i never would have seen them!!!  TO my horror i realized i was a road hypocrite.  I was suddenly remarkably sympathetic to the guy who hit me on my bike and remarkably thankful there was no one walking in that intersection!!

I felt the lameness of my condemnation of him.  

I felt yucky for having been so mad.

And then i realized that this is not the only area of my life like this.

There are so many areas of my life that i may judge someone else harshly and then realize in a short time that i also suck horribly at what i had judged them about.  

In fact, there are so many areas of my life i want to be more consistent, more kind, more patient, more loving, more understanding, more wise, more fun etc, etc, etc. and yet i find myself doing the very things, thinking the very things, that i don't want to.

It is so frustrating!

Sometimes i start to hammer away at myself when i realize these things and feel like i should just wear a giant “I SUCK” sign on me all the time - until i realize that everybody is like this to some degree - we all wrestle with what we wish we were - and what we have been.  The thing is, we are usually afraid to admit it.  We don't want other people to know we struggle - what will they think of us??

The problem is that owning the hypocrisy, living the truth, is part of what begins the healing process of life.  It is a piece of the puzzle that helps us progress to be less and less hypocritical over time.  As we are able to share life, we find that we are truer to the person we want to be many times, especially when we involve God in that process too!

At More than more, we are all about being true.  We are a messed up group of people with pasts that would make you blush.  We have lived lives of hypocrisy and hurt.  And yet, we have found that we can have real relationships, laugh, enjoy, and not fake it.  Hurt, and not fake it.  It’s not always easy.  

But we have found that the fake of our world, while safer sometimes than truth, is not worth it.  There is something better than life as usual.  There is something More.

If you also are tired of fake and would like to hang with some people who are looking for a new way of living - we would love for you to join us this Thursday evening, from 645-800 pm at McAllister Recreation Center, just off 20th and Schuyler Ave, in Lafayette.  As always there will be free excellent childcare for kids up to 5th grade and the center has lots to do for tweens and teens too.  You will find that it is freeing, full of laughter, some music, and some awesome people - not fancy - but we do tend to drive against the one way of our culture…

The Real Me

I often find myself writing about parenting – not because I am an expert by any means but perhaps because it’s what I am closest to.  There is no escaping being Mom.  Trust me I have tried.  Sure every now and then I get a night off and get to be me, but Mom never really leaves.  Once a mom always a mom I guess.  Don’t get me wrong it is a huge blessing to have kids – well most days.  There are “those” days that I think every mom knows about.  And honestly I have had way too many of “those” days lately. But thankfully God gives us moments or glimpses of joy to sustain “those” days.  Melt me moments like my four year old telling me I am her person. Or my fearless son reaching for me in the dark just needing to know I am still there.  Or the look my stepdaughter gives me when she is just as completely annoyed by someone as I am and reminds me I don’t have to be perfect- just real.  Which that brings me to what I really want to share.  The real me.
Truth is I am not what our society defines as perfect mother.  We all know there is this Pinterest standard of mothering that includes all sorts of qualifications – making perfect balanced and pretty lunches, healthy snacks with no processed ingredients, birthday party decorations more elaborate than my wedding, handmade crafts with glitter, homemade laundry detergent, 30 freezer meals in an hour, Blah blah blah.  Ya know what- I hate glitter, lunchables are my best friend, and 30 freezer meals in less than an hour would be a bunch of kid cuisines or pizza rolls. But you know what I am saying.  We are held to expectations and standards that don’t fit in our reality. As absurd as it sounds I still try to fit my way in this standard.  Truth is my kids don’t care if I make our laundry detergent or if their birthday party is elaborate and pin worthy.  They want Mom to color in a coloring book or play tic tac toe.  They want my time and my focus.  They want hugs more than cookie cutter shaped sandwiches.  They want Mom to talk to them not at them.  They want Mom to be patient not perfect.  Sounds simple and easy.  Oh but it’s not.  When ya have a screaming 4 year old mad because she wants to watch Peppa Pig at the same time your son is desperately trying to intensely educate you on Pokemon and 8 year old pouting because you told her she cannot eat an entire jar of pickles as a snack - BELIEVE me it’s hard to keep calm and not scream.  Or maybe you have an ADHD child like I do and is having a major meltdown over something incredibly specific he needs and cannot stop until he has it.  And although it is completely unrealistic request you truly wish you had the mystical item and could just give it to him to stop the insanity but you know that’s not the answer.  Here is where the real me comes out.  Its not what you might guess. Its not the me I used to be.  Its not the me that argues back with him about how ridiculous he sounds.  Its not the me that grasps for control.  Its not the me that tried to make him behave the way a kid should behave.  Its not the me that said I expect you to do as you’re told.  And not the me that literally had to force him into his room to take a time out.  Its not even the me that after it was all said and done cried for hours about how I would never be able to be what this kid needs.  Not the broken mess that wanted to fix my broken son.  The real me came into the picture just recently.  The real me is not me alone.  It’s me and all my broken inability reaching out and giving control to God.  The real me is when He is with me.  Its when I can step back and say whoa what the heck just happened when a meltdown ends calmly and an apology is spoken.  It’s the mom that God makes me when I call out for His help.  It’s the mom that listens and speaks to Drew rather than at him.  It’s the Mom that repeats what he says 20 times if needed until he realizes I am listening.  It’s the mom that takes the 30 extra minutes to remind him He can trust me.  It’s when the meltdown is over and some tells me how impressed they are with my patience.  MY patience….!!! I am not naturally a patient person.  That’s when I saw the change.  That’s when I fell to my knees in praise because I knew God was working in me.  The real me is accepting that God called me to be Steppy (stepmom) to my stepdaughter not Mom.  The real me knows that even though I love her as my own – she has an amazing mom that loves her in a unique incomparable way.  And the real me knows there is nothing wrong with that.  The real me fights for what is right for Ella not what I want.  The real me isn’t always visible.  Sometimes the old me gets in the way and gets upset.  She is impatient and easily flustered.  Just recently the old me questioned why I was even a mom.  I felt so inadequate and wanted to run away from being a mom.  But thankfully God reminded me who He has called me to be is not who I think I should be.  The real me hides some days and shines others.  It’s all part of the journey and sometimes “those” days get in the way.  But I will push on and keep finding pieces of the real me.  Its funny I have such a hard time finding the real me but my kids already know her.  After all the real me is my daughter’s person. 

Thanks so much Megan.  Your honesty is inspiring!

If you, like Meg, feel the pressure of the world and just want to hang out with some other real people - we would love to hang with you this Thursday evening, August 18th, from 645-8pm, at McAllister Recreation Center - just off 20th and Schuyler in Lafayette