So, what are you afraid of?

So, my wife and I were talking the other night about something she has been reading and studying and talking about with some friends of hers. The entire discussion was about fear. Seems fear is something that is present all over the place in our society. I deal with it often in my office – it manifests itself as anxiety in the lives of thousands of Americans and seems to suck the joy from our lives.

So, she asked me, “What’s your greatest fear?” “Woa, hold on a second,” I thought, “I know this is marriage and all, but do you have to get so personal.” Well, after a second of adjusting to the question and the fact that I really did not like thinking about it or dealing with it, I decided on an answer and here it is:

I am most afraid of failing.

When I type them out on the screen, they seem so small and insignificant, but when I say them, even as I’m typing them, they conjure some senses deep inside me that cringe, even feeling like I am being prepared to be hit or something (and as far as I know no one is lurking around me ready to smack me!).

The thing is that this seemingly insignificant 6 words have shaped my life massively over the years. You see, I am an analyzer – I try to think ahead of everything, anticipate everything and figure everything out before it happens. This tends to drive those I love crazy sometimes (it is not unusual for my wife to say, “Quit analyzing me!”) There is no question that this fear has also been responsible for many, if not most, of my decisions in life. So, just imagine with me, someone comes up to me with a great opportunity, but a lot of risk, what am I most likely to say? Of course, I tend to be extremely conservative in my decisions (not politically necessarily, another discussion). I am too afraid of fear to really risk very much! This also has negatively shaped my relationships – imagine what it is like to be most afraid of failure and to grow up in a home where the 2 adults could not get along – where marriage was not harmonious to say the least. I have been afraid of failure forever in my marriage and relationships! This has handcuffed and imprisoned my marriage in a cell of my fear for most of our lives. And this is just a couple of examples.

In fact, last night when my wife and I and the kids were driving back from Indianapolis and talking, I told her that I remember back in the younger days of our relationship that I was happy, but not like this – there was so much i didn’t understand, so much frustration and hurt and anger at myself that even though I loved Melissa, much of my joy was sucked away. But now, my joy seems to leap from my life. Things have changed.

You see, I figured out the fear inside me was responsible for much of the good in my life – like driving me to be good at medicine and parenting and all, but that it was also a terrible thing for me – sucking the life from me – the joy. Then, I began to realize that this fear was really just my way of protecting myself from what might happen next – anticipating failure so that it would not overwhelm me when it happened.

But, how did I find freedom from this, or at least begin on the road? Well, I began to see that succeeding did not validate my life – it was nice, but there was never enough success to keep me happy! And I began to see that failure was not nearly as bad as I thought it was – usually when I failed I learned something amazing and life got better from there. I began to realize that my true value and my future and accomplishments and successes were controlled by God. He was the One who gave me success and the ability to gain it. He was the One who gave me value in success or failure, regardless. He accepted me either way. And, He was the One who controlled the outcome of the decisions I was making (as long as I was keeping Him in my life and not shoving Him out) – there was no need to fear failure, when the One who created all that exists was the One who was in charge. Now, it has taken years and years of trying and failing to get to the point where I trust God with my identity and my future, but as I look around me, I see no handcuffs! I see little bondage to my fear anymore. Of course, sometimes it rears its ugly head again and I slip back into my self-proving life, but mostly, I live full of bubbly joy, not because of what I have done, but because my life is about something different than it ever was before!

This is what we are all heading toward at More than more – we are joining together to begin to see this freedom of life and spirit that is found in the release of our fears to the One who made us. We are on this path with many others, who remind us of our journey and encourage us along the way. They accept us for who we are, not who we prove ourselves to be! It is a wonderful thing!

If this sounds nice, and you are tired of being ruled by drives inside you that you do not understand and cannot seem to get around, if you crave peace – I wish you would join us – it will not be a magical insta-fix, but you can come alongside us, and we will help you see what we are already seeing – something More…than more.

We will be hanging out tomorrow night, 3/10/11, 6:45-8:00PM, at McAllister Recreation Center, Lafayette, just off 20th and Schuyler Ave, and of course there will be free, excellent childcare available – we want your kids to be safe and have fun too!