Broken Trophies

So, it doesn't take much to notice that my writing has been sparse for the past few months. There is a good reason for it. From November through January was a really difficult time for me. I have been wrestling with some anguish inside that most if not all of you never would have known. The thing is, i really have a hard time writing for Mtm's blog during these times because i am so consumed with pain and grief and am communicating with God so much about bare survival and life that coherent thought that you would understand just barely exists. I appreciate your patience as i continue my journey beside all of you...

Each morning I have the pleasure of taking my 3 children to school. It is one of the great joys of my life, those 20 minutes or so each day - praying together, laughing, yawning, talking. Sometimes we even do hospital rounds, me and my little posse of deputy family doctors, doing our best to encourage those who are suffering. We never leave with lots of extra time - we have yet to be tardy to school this year and we never were last year once, but we certainly have little time to spare. But, those of you who know me, know that this is the way my life works - if i say meet me at 615, i mean 615, sometimes 616, but almost never 614 - there's just too much to do - my margins are short. Well, the other morning as i wriggled my way between my truck and the shelves on the side of my garage, hurrying as usual to make sure the kids made it to school on time and we kept our perfect no-tardy record alive, i noticed something that made my heart sink, on the home made work bench in the corner of the garage, the bench that holds the mitre saw and a pile of sawdust from projects of the past - the bench that, shoved to the extreme edge of our lives, waits for another project. There, on the bench, all scattered astray, lay the pieces of trophies from years past that Nate, my 11 year old had broken accidentally over time. There they sat (and still do), gathering dust.

Now, i hate to admit it, but these trophies fill me with just the littlest pit in my stomach, they make my heart sink just a tiny bit, even as i am rushing the kids to school. Why? Because i have bought i think a millions type of glue and epoxy, from gorilla to super, sooooo many types of glue, i have tried all different clamps and settings, i have tried to patiently wait and have hurriedly scrammed and i have never been able to fix them. And here's the thing, at the occurrence of their brokenness, each was brought to me by a sometimes tearful, but always distraught little boy, pieces dangling from his hands. He would hold them up to me with those sad eyes and say, "Dad, do you think you can fix this? It's so special to me. This one is the soccer one." And there's the reason for the pit in my stomach, the sinking of my heart. He thought i could fix his trophies, and i just can't. I can hardly look him in the eye and tell him that. You see, he trusted them to me and i can't do it. As i wriggled by the truck and they caught my eye this morning i was reminded again, i'm not going to be able to fix them. It's not for not wanting to, or trying to, i just can't do it. And there is a part of me deep inside that feels yucky about it. I don't like this at all. I like to be able to clean up messes, to bring healing to brokenness. But, i am just not able to - it turns out that i am very inadequate for the job.

And, you wanna hear another thing? This is not the only thing of his that i cannot fix. When Nate chooses the wrong thing and gets in trouble and then we talk about it later and he just can't figure out why he did it, I cant fix that.

And when the patient that i care so deeply for has the mass that really is malignant and they really are gonna die...soon - there's not any glue for that.

And when i watch someone i care for make the same mistake over and over and over again, choosing for emptiness and selfish gratification and causing pain to so many around them, especially those they love the most - i cannot find a clamp that will hold the pain in place to get it all to heal.

Know what else, someday Nate'll get his heart broken and i will not be able to glue that either...

In fact, if i must be painfully honest, there really are very few things that i can mend, heal, or make right.

As i begin to think about those broken trophies, it becomes clearer and clearer the longer they sit there that the older he gets, they are only one of a lifetime of things i won't be able to fix for him or those i love and care for.

And while i'm confessing, i might as well go on - i can't even fix myself. there are so many times when i do what i dont want to - when i judge harshly when i dont want to, when my compassion is overwhelmed by my selfishness, when my honor caves to my pride, when my confidence fails in the face of challenge - in spite of the fact that i lead many of you and know the right things to say and do, many times i find my life looking like a pile of broken trophies laying on a makeshift work table in the corner of my garage - and i stand over it and wonder if there will ever be healing to all that pain.

So, is all hope lost? should i give up and just live a life resigned to my failure and inability?

The answer is no. The truth is that i can't fix the trouble in me or Nate or even the brokenness on that work bench, but i know One who can. You see, more often that i used to, i choose to not judge harshly, more often than i used to, i find my compassion flowing freely, more often than i used to i my honor strong standing next to my humility, and my confidence strong - not always but more than i used to. More often i see Nate choosing the best, i see him making the right choices. And not just this, i see those around me changing too, gaining strength, realizing that there is More than the usual in this life and seeing their piles of broken trophies put together in some of the most bizarrely beautiful ways that they can hardly even believe it!! I am reminded of some of the modern art where people take trash and combine it in very creative ways to make beautiful sculptures - it's kinda like that!

You see, by recognizing that i cannot fix it, and then going to God, the One who made me and Nate, i find that He is able and actually does do it, to put things back to the way they should be - it is not always the way i expect, but if i continue to involve Him in the moments of my life (no matter how broken the moments are) He brings goodness from them - and that is amazing! And, on top of that, when i involve Him in the conversations of my life, in the choices of my life, i find that my words often bring healing, restoration, forgiveness, peace - not from anything i have to offer - i would be more likely to stick my hands together with this glue than to use it to do some good if it were just up to me, but when my hands and words are placed in God's, i find the right words and the right movements and the right attitudes beginning to ooze from me. It is a beautiful thing!

You see, you no longer have to live trapped in a life that rules you; a life where your brokenness owns your emotions and passions and lifestyle. You can break free from that and see life with freedom!

If you are sick of living trapped, a good place to start your journey to freedom would be More than more. You see, this is the way we are all trying to live every day! We have a blast and love life so much more than we used to - it's not perfect, but it is getting better all the time! Anyone is welcome at More than more - those of us who are there regularly tend to be so broken ourselves that it is really a peaceful group to be around, and fun.

We will be hanging out this Thursday night, March 8th, from 6:45-8:00Pm at McAllister recreation center, just off 20th and Schuyler Ave, Lafayette. We would love to have you - and if you have kids, we have free and excellent care for all kids, including a fantastic group for teens.

I'm thinkin that the next time i see those trophies, i might not feel quite so bad about them!