What do we do when tragedy strikes, when our hearts break, when
pain drives us to a state of numbness, when our fists are clenched with anger,
when addictions takes over, when we feel isolated and alone, when we feel like
giving up, when we find ourselves at the end of our rope and all we can do is
survive the moment….????
I have been there. Many times. We have all experienced
pain at some point in our lives- and each of us has handled it in different
ways. Some good. Some bad. In the past (still occasionally) I
would lock the hurt up inside my heart so tight and run and hide. I would
try to protect myself through isolation. I would keep friends and family
at a distance and if I felt they were getting too close I would push them away.
I did not want to depend on anyone or most of all be hurt by anyone ever
again. Let me give you an example- which is not easy for me- it takes a
lot for me to really open up to anyone. But what I have learned is that
as hard as it is for me to share- God calls us to. I remember when others
shared- I saw how God worked in their life. I felt the realness and
closeness of God. I felt love that I never knew existed.
I have been through a
few extremely painful events in my life- death and divorce. First I lost
my Dad. I felt like the only person in the world who understood me was
ripped away right before my eyes. Yet I held it together for quite
awhile. I had to be strong for my Mom and sisters. I kept pushing
the anger and hurt deep inside until I found myself so depressed I couldn’t
function. All I wanted to do was lock myself in my room and sleep.
Well somehow my doc saw through my
“I’m fine” statement and broke open my vault. Just a crack- but enough
for the hurt to start pouring out and the healing to begin. Then a year
later I found myself smack dab in the middle of a separation that was headed
towards a divorce. Even after tons of forgiveness and attempts to save
my broken marriage my husband chose the drugs and new girlfriend and left me
and our son. Hello pain- my name is Megan- are you ever going away?
It was just too much. I was a MESS!!! Doc cracked the vault a
little more- by continuing to pour examples of God’s greatness on me even
though I rejected his invites to More than More. I took baby steps
through the grief as I still tried to block myself from any potential hurt.
I think God kind of gave me a shove once. Long story short- just
hours after I finally filled out my divorce papers- Matt found me. With a
simple glance back our lives changed. He swept me off my feet and we fell
in love. I know sappy. But it happened. Matt asked- I said
yes. We set a date. I got the flu- or so I thought. Surprise-
prego! Our church frowned, people judged, hurt, hurt, and more hurt.
I wanted to run, did for awhile, but then I took a leap. I went to
More than More. My wall was up- hope was low. Yet, no one judged us
or rejected us. We kept going- not always easy and sometimes took lots of
encouragement and reminders of my need to be there. Then there was a
turning point for me- these super sweet gals threw me a baby shower. I
thought really "Who does this??"" I mean who takes this
divorced, engaged, knocked up chaotic mess and just loves her?? More than
More did. Huh. Life changing. Baby steps turned into learning
to walk, then almost skips at times with joy, I ran- but not away from God-
towards the group- towards God. See God became real to me through these
amazingly equally screwed up people. I still have pain- who doesn't?
But I have hope now.
Maybe you can relate. Maybe you are numb. Maybe so
many people have burned you that you are just sick of giving out more chances.
Maybe you don't know where to go from here. I don't have the
answers. What I know is my past- I beat myself up with lies, I hid, I cried, I
yelled, I ran away, I was consumed with emotions- anger, sadness, rage,
numbness, shock, hurt, fear, but most of all I stockpiled everything in my
vault. And it did NOT help. It was not until I took a risk and
trusted one person that I found His way.
He sent me to preach good news to the poor, heal the heartbroken,
Announce freedom to all captives, pardon all prisoners. God sent me
to announce the year of grace- a celebration of God's destruction of
our enemies- and to comfort all who mourn, to care for the needs of all who
mourn in Zion, give them bouquets of roses instead of ashes, messages of joy
instead of news of doom, a praising heart instead of a languid spirit.
Rename them "Oaks of Righteousness" planted by God to
display his glory. They'll rebuild the old ruins, raise a new city
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