Sprinklers and Expectations

The other day I had one of those days I’d rather forget. Not that there was nothing good at all about the day, but that the sense that I had when I came home for the evening was that I just had not measured up (to what? I’m not sure). I felt flat. It was as if there was something I had missed in that day that God had wanted from me. Somehow in the hustle and bustle of the world, His mission had become lost and I had not measured up (there it is again). The thing is that I lived that day, as I live most of my days, talking to God, searching for His will, trying to notice His wonder and mission throughout the moments of the day, battling back the American lifestyle and push for more and more and more. As I felt this general dissatisfaction for my day, I began to rehearse some of the day over in my head and I could not see where I had gone wrong…or where God had left me to my own and allowed me to not measure up (uh oh – this is becoming a trend). It seemed to be another day…to be honest I had really committed the day even more than usual to Him, for a variety of reasons I had been praying about this day for quite a while and specifically praying that God would use me in this day and make it an awesome day for his kingdom.
Soaking in all this frustration and lostness, as I came home, it was getting really dark, and yes, just like a movie, it was raining. Now, it’s May in Indiana and so rain is not any particular surprise, but it was not just any rain. It was the kind of rain that makes you glad you have an attached garage, pouring out of the air like from the end of the water slides at the water park…just that there were like a million water slides. Water was standing everywhere, and the creek by our house that I can typically wade across, looked more like a muddy raging river. We pulled into the garage. I, quite miserably by now, between the storm going on inside me and the storm outside, moped and frowned my way to my bedroom, to change into pajamas as the kids got ready for bed, the whole while with this “Why me?” and “What did I do wrong?” and all running in my head like a one way conversation that I liked to think was me crying out to God, but was really more complaining. I walked into my bedroom and went to close the blinds. That’s when I saw something so pitiful. I characterized how I felt to such a passionate degree that, in spite of my fatigue, I wanted to sit down a write a country music song about it…but I just never got the time that night.
What was it? The sprinkler. There, in the middle of my garden, with little plants soaking up the bucketfuls of rain and with giant puddles surrounded by shear mud, sat the sprinkler. It was not running, just ludicrously sitting there, as if to say, “Why am I even here? There’s no need for me. All this is well watered and watering is what I do. My entire purpose for being is lame. I have not measured up (yup!).” The sprinkler looked so stupid and lame and pitiful, there in the middle of all those puddles, I felt an immediate kinship with it – I know what kind of person finds kinship with a sprinkler? But really, I just felt like in that day, that I had felt held such promise; That day that I had such plans for being used mightily by God; That day that I had prayed about and over and through that He would take and use me powerfully to spread His Word; In that day, I was like that sprinkler. It wasn’t that God had stopped His kingdom work. He was pouring it down like water at the end of the water slide…times a million. It wasn’t that I wasn’t willing, I was. It was that the impact that I was having was small. In fact to me, it seemed insignificant, especially at that moment. I was a sprinkler dropped into the middle of a flood.
But the story doesn’t end there. I was going to write out my desperation and frustration that night, but never got to it. There were things to do, and I was tired, so when all was finished and in its place for the night, I crashed out. I got up the next morning, and went downstairs to my usual weight lifting/ listen to some preacher on MP3/crunches/prayer time and found that my MP3 player was not available, my shoulder was in serious pain from restarting softball (welcome to the late 30’s buddy!) and I just couldn’t bring my self to do crunches. So, I sat down and began to pray. But, as I began, there was a very real sense that this was not going to be a “usual” prayer time. My heart began to break for Christ and His love for me and the people around me and He poured out His Spirit all over my basement. It was a wonderful time of basking in His presence. When I opened me eyes and saw that it was time for morning hoops with the guys, I was almost sad to have to leave my basement sanctuary, but I certainly had a fullness of God’s love in me heart. Well, basketball came and went, and then to the hospital, where I visited a sweet little newborn given into a wonderful Christian family. We shared an awesome time of prayer, worship and blessing over her and her parents and then I went on to my office. And, you know what? God had lined up for me, from people who worked with me, to patient after patient, individuals desperately seeking God. They came in their brokenness, they poured out their frustrations and inabilities. We shared their hurts and losses and the wonder of a God who loves them so much, He gave all He had to give. Not a dead God, but a living One! Time after time I reached into the bounty of His love for me and gave it as a gift to these wonderful people. I can’t tell you how many conversations I barely even remember because the Holy Spirit turned exam rooms into Holy places! They left, one by one, and their dryness, the cracked soil of their lives, the painful parchedness of their circumstances found some of God’s life giving water. Now, please understand, I am not taking credit for any of this, God chose to use me and my glory goes to Him, but hear the message loud and clear. God knows more than I do. His ways are higher than my ways! He is the master and I am His servant. And if He chooses to allow me to be frustrated at how my plans have fallen short of “measuring up”, to prepare my heart to be in a place that He can use it more completely, then please frustrate away!
By now I am quite sure that many of you are beginning to get the point to the “measure ups” in this little story. The truth is that my tendency to feel a need to “measure up” is deeply rooted. It provokes me to try to do and be with what I have within me something significant. It is not all bad – It motivates me to keep moving forward and trying to be more God’s man. But, I must remember two things frequently. First, that I have nothing to prove to God. He knows me and that I have all this need to prove stuff and nothing I achieve or fail at will ever change His opinion of me. He loves me…completely and totally! Second, I must remember that “all things work together for the good of those” and “His ways are higher than my ways”. I am reminded of how Bryan McClaren (whether you agree with everything he writes or not) describes God as operating at a place that is so above what we can even imagine, that we really have no idea of the grandness and awesomeness of His plans. Of course, His level interacts with our level all the time, but the grand play, the big scheme, the whole tomato if you will, is beyond our grasp. Sometimes, it is so cool to think that God uses my stupidness to end up giving Him glory, just as much as my (small) wisdom. In this case, how would I have guessed that my broken dreams and sprinkler sitting in the flood imagery of the night before would be the perfect way for God to put me in the place the next morning to minister so powerfully for Him? Obviously, not me.
So, if you struggle with what your place of ministry is. If it seems you search and pray and struggle and are just not sure of what it all comes to. Even if your heart is exactly in the right place but it seems you just aren’t “measuring up” to the expectations you or someone else has of you. Please hear this clearly, if you will just grope and search and pray and even scream out to God. If you will truly do everything you can to let go of yourself and all that you hold. If you will for real go after God, and trying to love Him and be in true relationship with Him, you cannot fail. What you achieve may be something far different that what you expected. And there may be many times when you feel like a sprinkler in a flood. But believe me, in the end, you measure up…and the water you disperse…may be the very drops needed to save the life of someone thirsting to death!